Tick Tick Tick… Boom
I got my first tick today. I think it was a deer tick. It was big, and it was gross.
I was driving home from having trekked through woods and tall grasses at this guy’s house, and about 30 minutes after hitting the road, this little bug that seemed like a spider started crawling up my arm. I HATE spiders. They’re evil and hell bent on revenge if you try to squish them.
On the Fourth Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…Nine Slasher Cupcakes! A Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
Finally, a reason to justify cannibalism.
Battle of the Bods: Twilight Edition
Jacob Black, Bella Boringface, and Edward Cullen of the Twilight franchise.
We’ve all been plagued by nightmarish apparitions of teens wearing “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts, and we all want this headache of a franchise to die a fiery death. The only way to kill the Twilight phenomenon, though, is to solve the question everyone’s asking: Who’s hotter? Jacob or Edward?
I’d make a list of pros and cons, but neither candidate has any pros, so I’ll just weigh the cons:
I Punched a Girl: Part I
There was blood everywhere, and tears in her eyes.
God, that sounds like the chorus to a Hawthorne Heights song.
I didn’t mean to punch Shelby Waters in the face. I didn’t mean to break her nose. I didn’t even know I could break noses. I couldn’t even snap a pencil in two, which was pretty embarrassing when I tried in front of my sister, then the next day she told her whole second grade class.
Maybe I should back up.
I’ve been balls-to-the-wall in love with Shelby Waters for two years, ever since she transferred to my high school and lent me a pencil during sophomore year English. She smiled at me, and that was it. It was all over. I’ve never been able to look at another girl. I think I still have it. The pencil, I mean. It’s pink. Don’t tell her, though, ‘cause I don’t want her to think I’m a stalker. I’m not a stalker. I mean, I stare at her a lot, but I don’t wait outside her house in the rain dressed like the Unabomber.
Everyday Eerie
Some things in life are really f*cking creepy, but no one seems to notice. They’re everyday, innocent-looking little things. Why aren’t more people creeped out by these? Because of the government, of course. I’m going to tell you what they won’t about the following creepy objects:
Bobble Heads: You get a bobble head for your desk at work. At first, your bobble head seems like your friend, nodding “yes” to everything you say, providing a listening ear. But as your relationship grows, you realize it nods “yes” to things like, “I forgot to turn in my expense report– I’m such an idiot!”, “Do I look fat today?”, and “Have you been talking shit about me?”. As it turns out, the bobble head you thought was your BFFF is actually your best frenemy and a social climber. The bobble head relocates to someone else’s desk and nods “yes” while that person points at you and snickers. What a bastard of a bobble head. Just when you get over feeling hurt, you work late one night and see that the bobble head is on your desk, watching you, constantly nodding. Every time you look away and look back at it, it’s inched closer to you. Finally, it bobs one last “yes” and attacks you with a chainsaw. (more…)
Shit My Cake Says 