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Food

Aldi Cereal Mascots Are Coming for You in the Night

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I don’t want to get freaky with your fruits, disco granny cat!

Have you ever been inside an Aldi? One of the first things you’ll see is their cereal selection. It bombards you right at the door with its Sloth-inspired cereal mascots.

All of Aldi’s cereal boxes are teeming with eerie, bug-eyed Pixar rejects. Their eyes follow you around the store. You can try and hide in the produce section but it won’t do you any good. They have already seen you.

Why does Aldi use these pee-your-pants creepy mascots? I have a theory…

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I Dream of Weenie

Asian child, I will eat you. Don’t think I won’t do it.

I recently got a job at a fast food restaurant because I forgot why I went to college. The place where I work serves hot dogs, and not just any hot dogs. Delicious hot dogs (see: Figure 4). I’ve never been a huge hot dog fan (unless “hot dog” is a euphemism), but being around them constantly is making me crave them. Need them. (more…)


Fried Day Friday

This past Friday, I attended the State Fair of Texas. It was fun, but the nutritional equivalent of fried turd I ate mandated that this weekend be X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND. X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND is my specially formulated diet plan to lose bulk without improving overall health. It involves a lot of diet soda. I guess it’s more of an anti-detox… but detox sounds better so it’s X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND, with a completely unnecessary but nonetheless effectively aggressive misspelling of “extreme”! So tape Coke Zero cans to your hands and start downing my patented X-TREEM DETOX DIET PILLS!

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Battle of the Bods: McDonald’s Edition

It’s a tale as old as time, true as it can be. Or rather, a question as old as the birth of McDonald’s. Who’s hotter, Grimace or the Hamburglar?

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Your Christmas List for People You’re Obligated to Love

Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.

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Apparently “Haute Couture” Means “Masturbating With a Bucket of KFC”

In the middle of a Books-A-Million, I crouched down and started snapping photos of an allegedly straight man’s magazine I found. Forgive me, I don’t remember what the man-azine was called, but you wouldn’t either if you saw this:

Here we have a nice young man who appears to be modeling underwear while working out and simultaneously stuffing Pizza Hut condiment packets into his Hugo Boss briefs. Seems sensible enough.

I feel like there’s some sort of innuendo here, but I just can’t quite put my chopstick on it…

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Everyday Eerie

Some things in life are really f*cking creepy, but no one seems to notice. They’re everyday, innocent-looking little things. Why aren’t more people creeped out by these? Because of the government, of course. I’m going to tell you what they won’t about the following creepy objects:

Bobble Heads: You get a bobble head for your desk at work. At first, your bobble head seems like your friend, nodding “yes” to everything you say, providing a listening ear. But as your relationship grows, you realize it nods “yes” to things like, “I forgot to turn in my expense report– I’m such an idiot!”, “Do I look fat today?”, and “Have you been talking shit about me?”. As it turns out, the bobble head you thought was your BFFF is actually your best frenemy and a social climber. The bobble head relocates to someone else’s desk and nods “yes” while that person points at you and snickers. What a bastard of a bobble head. Just when you get over feeling hurt, you work late one night and see that the bobble head is on your desk, watching you, constantly nodding. Every time you look away and look back at it, it’s inched closer to you. Finally, it bobs one last “yes” and attacks you with a chainsaw. (more…)