Tick Tick Tick… Boom
I got my first tick today. I think it was a deer tick. It was big, and it was gross.
I was driving home from having trekked through woods and tall grasses at this guy’s house, and about 30 minutes after hitting the road, this little bug that seemed like a spider started crawling up my arm. I HATE spiders. They’re evil and hell bent on revenge if you try to squish them.
Before I killed someone on the road by swerving around, screaming and flailing hysterically in a vain attempt to get it off me, I realized it was a tick, but that didn’t ease my mind. Ticks suck blood. They are tiny, fat vampires. We liken vampires to bats, but why not ticks? Probably because if we did, our vampires would look a lot less like Ian Somerhalder and a lot more like John Goodman.
I mean, really, if you had to pick, who would you rather have suck your blood?
I pulled over, flung the car door open, jumped out of the car and started shaking all over, looking for the tick. I couldn’t find it, so I got back in the car and drove home, but not before having cars on the highway slow down and stare at me, most likely wondering what the hell I was doing. I can only imagine what must’ve been going through their minds.
“Daddy, why is that lady dancing and scratching her back at the same time?”
“That’s called PCP, Son, and it’s something you should never do before college.”
So when I got home and saw a brown thing on the part of my forearm I can’t see unless I look at it from a weird angle, I immediately started flailing, to no avail. Luckily I was able to eventually yank it out by the head with long-nosed tweezers. During the tick-removal process I learned one key thing: burning a tick or touching it with a match head will not make it release its sucker but will make it dead and smelly, and not in the good way. I was hoping it would explode but that didn’t happen either.
After the tick was out of my arm, I Googled how to remove ticks (yes, after, not before—I’m not being judged for common sense here) and Google told me that the whole tick incineration thing is total BS and is definitely not something you should ever do.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure I have Lyme Disease now, so you should send me a bunch of I’m-sorry-you-have-Lyme-Disease presents. I’m registered on WebMD. Thanks!