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Archive for August, 2010

At 7:00 a.m., You’re Up to No Good

You know how naggy moms tell you to be home by midnight, because nothing good happens after 12:00 a.m.? Well, I disagree with that entirely.

Plenty of great things happen after 12. Sex, drugs, alcohol, late-night burritos and burgers– All these things are very healthy. What you really need to watch out for is what goes on past 7 a.m. No good happens between the hours of 7:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Here’s why:

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Pink Zebra Van Real Estate Guns

What does pink zebra print have to do with family real estate?

The answer is absolutely nothing. So why does the Mercer family think a promotional van covered in pink zebra print is a good idea?

Mercer Family Realty serves Denton, TX. They’re there to help you sell a house, buy a house, and blind you with their eyesore of a van.

About two weeks ago, I was driving home from work and saw a black van covered in pink zebra print. I figured it was a promotional van for some kind of tween girl clothing store or “edgy” cake bakery. I was surprised to see that it was actually advertising real estate. It took me a while to regain my sight after it was taken from me by the uncomfortable juxtaposition of family realty and pink animal print.

A few days ago, I saw the van again, parked outside a grocery store. Sighting a van twice in roughly two weeks? Hardly seems coincidental.

I am convinced Mercer Family Realty is following me. But that’s not important. Maybe it’s important.

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Creepy Mascots

 

The Kream Krunch "Man"

This Thing (see: above)—Made in the 80s, of course. But even with the outlandish things that decade provided, this is too creepy even for Madonna or 80s Ozzie. Cereal on ice cream tastes good and all, but freeze-dried “ice cream” chunks in cereal? Served by a poor soul who got abducted by aliens, probed and prodded, and sent back to Earth in an experimental ice cream cone body wearing a suit with Cheerio eyes? And he has a chip on his/its shoulder from having his human body stolen by aliens? So he’s on a killing spree by poisoning people with his cereal? No thanks. Why would he decide to poison people with his ice cream brethren, anyway? Then again, this mascot was brought to us by Kellogg, the folks who inexplicably gave us a chicken mascot for corn flakes. Also, the cereal’s name is “Kream Krunch”, which doesn’t bring to mind any sexual innuendos whatsoever.

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F.O.R.E.V.E.R. 21

Who woulda thought that the “forever” in Forever 21 was actually an acronym? Below, you can find the top secret meaning of the store’s title that the clerks don’t want you to know. For your convenience, I’ve attached links to the website in case you want to buy a present for that special shithead in your life.

  • F stands for Fugly, as evidenced by this sweatshirt showcasing the retired Walmart smilie wearing a geezerish bowtie. His eyes have changed into hearts over time due to him relentlessly staring at little boys.
  • O stands for Overseas. While I appreciate the fact that Forever 21 is desperately trying to be Takeshita Dori— and in Japan, Minnie Mouse is totally badass– in America, Minnie Mouse gear should be reserved for girls age 10 and under. If you are in your teen years or older and wear this, I will personally see to it that I punch you in the face.  (more…)

America’s Next Top Billy Mays

After the final commercial break of the day, Bark was blinded by the stage lights when he stepped onto the Game Show Network stage. The synthesized theme song blared as the cameras swept over the crowd. Originally, VH1 was supposed to air America’s Next Top Billy Mays as a reality show over a period of six weeks, but when they opted to show season fifteen of Flavor of Love instead, the Game Show Network bought the rights to the program. Over a period of six days, men were tested on their Billy Mays-like qualities for a chance to win $10,000 and a contract with Church & Dwight, the makers of OxiClean.

“Bark Johnson!” the host announced through his skinny microphone.

Bark waved to the crowd holding signs saying things like, “Kaboom the Competition, Bark!” He had to remember to respond to the name Bark since it wasn’t his real name. Born Jaime Trevinelli, the producers said his name wasn’t butch enough, and they renamed him Bark Johnson. When he protested, they reminded him how lucky he was he looked white enough to even be considered for a spot in the show, because they knew America wasn’t going to replace Billy Mays with an Italian man.

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OPRAH WILL KILL US ALL

As we all know, or rather, as all we surface-dwellers know (no offense, Underground Sewage Society, but you’re pretty disgusting), today is Friday the 13th. In honor of my favorite holiday—because as far as I’m concerned, it is a motherf*cking holiday, motherf*ckers—I am going to discuss the most terrifying thing threatening our planet right now: the last season of Oprah.

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Worst Things for Sale at Hot Topic

Star Socks– Oh boy! I love the greasy, tasteless food at Carl’s Junior. I’m so glad I can wear the Carl’s Junior Star on my feet now!

Brass Knuckles Backpack– I highly suggest walking through a dark alley in the bad part of town while wearing this brass knuckles-patterned backpack. It just screams, “Fight me, I’m a badass.”

Twilight “Team Jacob” Band-Aids– Good, just in time to mend the wounds from all that rough sex adolescent teens are having with werewolves. Oh wait… werewolves don’t exist. No werewolf werewounds, no need for wereband-aids. (more…)