8 Reasons Why Snakes on a Plane Is a Great Parenting Guide
1. Snakes on a Plane teaches us to put our children’s safety above all else with this cardinal rule: always carry a gun on a plane. This should be obvious. The threat of snakes, orangutans, piranha, and other wild animals on planes is no laughing matter. The only way to take down a lei-horny snake is to shoot it, despite the fact that you’ve probably already killed several others with homemade flamethrowers, knives, and broken bottles duck-taped to sticks. Remember parents: put your child’s wellbeing first. Carry a gun so you can shoot the snake before it shoots your child.
2. I bet before you saw Snakes on a Plane, you thought small children were the most susceptible to death by snakebite. Wrong! Snakes on a Plane teaches us that children have special black cobra antibodies, and these antibodies keep the small children alive for hours and hours while the bitten adults collapse and die around them. So next time Camp Counselor Willy takes them out for a tent-time adventure, don’t pack the snakebite kit. Instead, keep it close to you in your home, because snakes are 73% more likely to attack you in a residential area than in the woods. Of that 73%, they are 56% more likely to attack you indoors. Fact.
3. Stop playing fetch with your dog and start playing fetch with your dog. Snakes on a Plane demonstrates the fun of playing fetch with a snake, using your dog in place of a stick or ball. Children love this activity, and it’s completely G-rated. In fact, snake fetch was one of the most cherished family activities of Roman times, seconded only by BBB, baby booze binging. Take a cue from the Romans and round up your kiddos in the backyard for a game of snake fetch before dinner. You can even add to the fun by tossing your child at the snake instead of the dog!
4. Everything your child needs to know, he/she/shim can learn from video games. Think back to when you saw Kenan Thompson land an actual commercial aircraft thanks to his many hours of PSP Flight Simulator experience. That’s all the proof you need.
5. Is there any song more lullaby-tacular than “Snakes on a Plane (Bring It)”, the Snakes on a Plane theme song? Besides its calm and soothing melody, the heavy sexual overtones of “Oh, I’m ready for it, come on bring it” are beneficial to your child’s sleeping pattern. Your kid will have these lyrics stuck in his or her or shis tiny cranium and be bouncing around chasing after sexual predators in no time. The more children we have chasing sexual predators, the less likely child molestation will occur, because everyone knows child molesters live for the chase. Being pursued puts their lollipops in a perpetual state of flaccidity. And with those floppy lollies, we can all sleep easier.
6. Instill good values in your children, and be sure to let them know that good deeds are rewarded. Teach them to seek out Asian gang members and witness them murder someone. Then they can have a whole upstairs of a plane to themselves!
7. Snakes on a Plane is a great example of love conquering all. It shows us that if you flirt with a main character, you’re guaranteed to live until the end of the movie, which is more than you can say for the rest of the cast. Tell your daughters to hike up their hemlines, display their D-cup implants, and march right up to the main character of their lives and put the moves on him before he gets too distracted saving them from snakes to notice their advances.
8. Finally, Snakes on a Plane teaches us not to name our sons “Clarence”, because if we do, they’ll grow up to be germaphobic P-Diddy rip offs with chauvinistic, fat bodyguards, and no decent parent wants that for their children.