Turning Japanese

Japan has a bunch of CA-RAZY Kit Kat flavors, most of which are not available  to ship to the U.S. You should feel bad about that, since that means you’re probably never going to be able to try them. They are, however, willing to ship us the crappy and/or questionable flavors. Among those Crap Kats, a few delicious kinds get mixed in. So even though you’re pathetic and will probably never try any Kit Kats other than the plain ol’ American kind, I decided to rub my Kit Kat experience in your face and give you a description of a few flavors of Japanese Kit Kats:

Lemon Cola Kit Kats: This box of Kit Kats comes with two sticks of lemon and two sticks of cola-flavored Kit Kats, which you’re apparently supposed to eat together. The lemon side tastes good. I have no idea how the cola side tasted, though I ate it. I think it was good, but I can’t say for sure. What I can say, though, is that my boyfriend had a hard time choking it down.

Calpis Kit Kats: For those of you who don’t know what Calpis (pronounced “cow piss”) is, it’s a Japanese juice/soda-type drink that looks like milk and comes in a few different flavors, the original of which is…um…white… flavor. Anyway, Cowpiss– er, Calpis– Kit Kats are surprisingly delicious. I recommend them. Yay cow piss!

Chili Pepper Kit Kats: Actually, not as gut-wrenchingly disgusting as you might think. They just taste like dark chocolate Kit Kats with a hint of spicy aftertaste. So, yeah. Boring.

Strawberry Kit Kats: When Strawberry met Kit Kat, they didn’t get along. As time went on, they learned to be friends. Despite a fake orgasm in the middle of a diner and a confrontation on New Year’s Eve, they fell in love and eventually had a mulatto strawberry Kit Kat baby that was accepted in neither strawberry circles nor Kit Kat communities.

Melon Kit Kats: White chocolate Kit Kats with a touch of melon flavor. What kind of melon, you ask? All the melons!

Raspberry Framboise Kit Kats: All the raspberry, chocolate, and framboise you could want in a Kit Kat. It’s very delicious. Two framboises up!

Flan-esque Kit Kats: Two flans down. This Japanese flan-type-custard-flavored Kit Kat isn’t bad, but it’s not good either.

Mixed Fruit Juice Kit Kats: One word: amazing. This Kit Kat is supposed to taste like a fruit juice medley, but it mostly just tastes like banana, and banana Kit Kats are delicious.

Bitter Almond Kit Kats: When you bite into a bitter almond Kit Kat, you expect to taste the hate and jaded nature of one of the world’s most oppressed races of nuts, the almonds. But instead of tasting caustic almonds with chips on their shoulders, you just taste dark chocolate and regular, at-peace almonds.

Maple Kit Kats: White chocolate Kit Kats tinged with maple syrup flavor. All in all, pretty good.

Blueberry Kit Kats: Artificial blueberry flavoring and white chocolate in a crispy Kit Kat. Mmm, taste those chemicals.

Roasted Corn Kit Kats: All the nutrients of chocolate and yummy corn taste in a delicious corn-flavored Kit Kat. My boyfriend put it best when he said something along the lines of, “corn shouldn’t be candy”. Expect kernels in your feces after eating.

Aloe “Yoghurt” Kit Kats: Aloe vera yogurt-flavored Kit Kats want to hurt you with their “yoghurt”, and they succeed. These are some of the most vile things I’ve ever tasted. Imagine if you licked up a bunch of aloe vera gel while you were eating a Kit Kat. Ba-arf.

All the Kit Kats listed here were purchased from prompt and awesome eBay seller jappy11. Buy your own bizarre Kit Kats from him today!

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