Archive for February, 2011

I Punched a Girl: Part VIII

Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.

“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.

Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”

“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”

“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”

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I Punched a Girl: Part VII

I gulped so intensely I knew she could hear it. Stupid Adam’s apple.

“Hhhheh,” I croaked. That was loser for “hi”.

“Hi, Cavan,” she said. “I—”

“Shelby! What happened to your nose?” Emilio asked.

“Cavan punched her,” Andy said, French fries dropping out of his mouth.

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Fun Things to Do on Singles Awareness Day

This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.

Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):

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Weirdest Yahoo! Answers Questions

Yahoo! Answers is a breeding ground for teenagers, the desperate, trolls, and troll dolls, so naturally, I hang out there sometimes. I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest questions I’ve come across in that weird, weird place in cyberspace.

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I Punched a Girl: Part VI

After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.

“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.

See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.

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WTF Search Terms, 2nd Edition

A while ago, I made a list of a few bizarre search terms people used to find my blog. After seeing more weird words pop up over the last month or so, I selected my favorite search terms and categorized them by Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Questions, Creepy Fetishes, Whatever This Is, and Miscellaneous.

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I Punched a Girl: Part V

“Bye, Sweetie!” my mom cried over my sister’s Miley Cyrus music as I stepped out of her car. Then she drove away to drop my sister off at her school.

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