Look out! There’s a mum bursting out of your chest! Haven’t you seen Alien?

Last Saturday was my brother’s high school homecoming, which made me a bit nostalgic, so I helped pick out things to put on his date’s mum… but I didn’t know what I had contributed to. The finished product was terrifyingly huge. Cute, but huge.

My brother’s date’s mum looked like it weighed more than she did. Since they’re juniors, it was a triple mum, because apparently nowadays it’s improper to give a single mum to anyone other than a freshman. That means every year, your mum cost goes up! Yay!

On top of lights, whistles, glitter, and teddy bears, this year, the hot new mum accessory was speakers. I’m being completely serious. There was a mum with an auxiliary input so people could plug in their iPods. What’s the point of that? You can’t play music during class, and I imagine wearing speakers around on your boobs would get pretty heavy.

I can’t wait for my mum to catch on fire!

Gotta love materialism. My roommate said homecoming was “the most materialistic day of high school”, and she was oh-so-very right.

When wearing gigantic mums, girls have to design complex systems of ribbons, safety pins, and undergarments to keep the damn things on their bodies. Despite their clever web of ribbons, the mums sag as the day progresses, especially on the boob they’re pinned on. So at the end of the day, you have a bunch of teenage girls with one perky boob and one granny boob.

What annoys me more than GBS (granny boob syndrome) are all the bells people feel the need to attach to mums. Mini cow bells, jingle bells, or anything that makes noise when barely touched, people feel the need to jingle as loudly as possible when they move even the slightest inch. If I wanted to hear bells all the time, I’d go to church more often.

Watch a  photo slidehow here to see more girls being swallowed whole by their monster mums.


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