Horrible Band Names
Update: I am a douchebag. The Pretty Black Chains did not open for BRMC at the Dallas HOB show. They don’t have 15 guitarists that whip people with their Rapunzel-length hair, and from the sampler I heard on their Myspace, they’re pretty good– the opposite of the band I was originally referring to. I don’t know who the band was that opened for BRMC in Dallas this past March, and it seems no one on the internet knows either. They’re ghosts, maybe? Anyway, The Pretty Black Chains, please accept my sincerest apology for my inaccurate and rude blog post. You guys are definitely not the band I was thinking of. Again, I’m sorry.
I’ve compiled a list of disgusting band names. Keep in mind that this list is not a reflection on the quality of the band’s music, just their horrible names.
Limp Bizkit: First of all, what does a correctly spelled “limp biscuit” even mean? If you don’t know, consult Urban Dictionary and prepare to barf out all your innards. Seriously, why would anyone name anything after that?! “Hey, we’re so badass that we’re gonna name our band after a super gay ‘game’, even though we’re sort of homophobes. And we’re gonna spell ‘biscuit’ wrong! Awesome.”
Dying Fetus: Ewwww. I know you’re trying to be political or shocking or something, but ewwww.
Los Lonely Boys: I’m mostly perplexed by this name. “Los Chicos Solos” would have worked, and they might have been able to get away with “The Lonely Boys”, though I understand their apprehension toward being easily confused with the 1980s film The Lost Boys, since a pseudo-tejano band and a movie about vampires are quite similar.
Stellastarr*: We get it. There’s a star in your name. So why did you guys feel the need to put an asterisk on the end? It’s just agitating.
…And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead: What?? Why does your band’s name have to start with an ellipsis? Aside from just being a stupid name in general, they just had to tack on three periods to the beginning. It makes sense, though, since they’re a bunch of dudes who seem to be constantly menstruating.
4 Non Blondes: I seriously can’t stand this band’s music. Their one hit still haunts me, and it’s actually very difficult for me to type this without hearing the frumpy frontwoman’s hideous yodeling. Regardless of the “music” they make, 4 Non Blondes chose a dumb name for their band. Congratulations, you don’t have blonde hair, and there seem to be four of you. You’re just a group of boring brunettes. No one cares.
Papa Roach: Somehow a band of people has decided to merge together to be one papa, or one father, of… roaches? Since no animal, insect, or human being can give birth to marijuana, they must be saying that they’re a universal father to roaches, the bugs, which just seems like some bizarre religious experience. Having a bunch of men who like to yell curse words as some kind of father must suck. Sorry, roaches. Next time, don’t go down that road to cults.
Chingy: Ok, so Chingy’s not a band, he’s just a dude. A dude with an awful stage name.
Hoobastank: You knew you’d see them on this list. I don’t know what a hoobastank is and I don’t want to find out, because when I looked up what a limp biscuit was, I lapsed into a coma for a few minutes. All I know is that Hoobastank just sounds unpleasant when you sound it out, and “stank” is associated with something smelling bad. Hoobastank is a stanky name.
The Goo Goo Dolls: I forgive them for this name because later in their careers, the band members seriously regretted going by this name. However, they were idiots to initially choose this abomination of a band name. What prompted them to choose “The Goo Goo Dolls”? A doll covered in goo? No thanks. Keep your slimy babies away from my dolls.
Dark Goat: Okay, after seeing Drag Me to Hell, I can picture what a dark goat is– that scary takes-you-to-hell demon with a goat head that keeps popping up in episodes of Supernatural. Still, though, I’d describe that demon as more of a bloodthirsty ram than a dark goat. Dark Goat just seems like you’re being racist to your goats.
The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza: Speaking from a practical standpoint, this is a horrible name, but I love it. I’ve never actually heard any of their music because I don’t want this name to be ruined for me.
Brakesbrakesbrakes: I don’t care if your band is named “Brakes”. I don’t even care if it’s named “Brakesbrakes”. But “Brakesbrakesbrakes”? Come on.
Torture Killer: This just seems redundant. Of course you kill people after you torture them. It’s the only way they won’t tell! Plus, after you torture them, they’re dead inside, so they’re basically all the way dead. You should have just named your band “Torturer” and killed two words with one stone, or something like that.
CHRISTMAS: Geez, okay, you like Christmas! Stop yelling at me!
Fountains of Wayne: Fountains of Wayne, I am never going to forgive you for making “Stacy’s Mom” and ruining my ears, but I’m especially never going to forgive you for grinding up some guy named Wayne and pouring his remains into a fountain. I mean, that’s just weird. I think you need therapy, for both your Oedipus complex and your homicidal tendencies.
Holy Macaroni: Whether they based this name on The Simpsons or just the phrase, it doesn’t work as a band name or something to put in a church offering plate. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Ke$ha: Like Chingy, Ke$ha is only one person, not a band, but she’s a person who needs to stop hitting the shift key every time she wants to type the number four.
Ou Est Le Swimming Pool: You’re trying to tell me something about a swimming pool, but I can’t seem to understand just what it is you’re saying.
Sasquatch and the Sick-a-Billys: I like rockabilly music as much as anyone (well, maybe not as much as this guy), and part of me adores this name, but a bigger part of me says “sick-a-billys” isn’t an acceptable name for anything, even with Sasquatch in the picture.
Yuck: Yuck, I gotta tell ya, you’re not inspiring much confidence in your music with a name like that.
And finally, the crème de la crème of bad band names:
Crazy Penis: Man, dat penis be crazy!