Christmas Cat Sweaters, Part II
Christmas is almost here, and you haven’t finished shopping! Gasp! Whatever shall you do? Perhaps… purchase a cat sweater or two? That’s right, folks: the long-awaited sequel to Christmas Cat Sweaters is here, and it’s even more questionable than before! Thanks to the multitude of hipsters infesting the USA, the cat sweater population is at an all-time high, so you can find the perfect gift for every member of your family. We don’t have much time before your chain-smoking Aunt Beth arrives and demands to know where her present is, so let’s get down to business, shall we?
For Mom: The Pissed Off Cat Sweater
This humongous cat face is perfect for Mom. It screams, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!” so she doesn’t have to! It comes complete with fringe dangling from the armpits all the way down to the wrists for extra holiday itchiness.
For the Sister Who’s Prettier Than You: The Hello Kitty Burn Victim Sweater
Hello Kitty spent a little too much time out in the sun this year and got a sunburn so bad it immediately turned into skin cancer. It’s a good reminder for your sister that even the cutest of cats can suddenly find themselves all alone with what appears to be some kind of candy cane syringe, so she had better be nice to you. Or else.
For Whore Sister: The Cat Wreath Sweater
Disguise that baby bump with a giant wreath! The wreath clutches the cat in a symbol of fertility while the oversized poinsettias and dangling ornaments distract from the fetus growing in your sister’s abdomen. For further pregnancy distraction, the dangling cat tail’s placement makes it look like a horrendously deformed penis! The best part is, the sweater comes with a built-in Christmas turtleneck dickie. Now that’s what I call value!
For Dad: The I Give Up Cat Sweater
This might be the greatest picture ever taken.
This cat is the picture of serenity, sitting on the windowsill of a faraway farm, a nice reminder to dear ol’ Dad that he will never escape to that far-off land of happiness. Instead, he will wear the itchy, light brown sweater and let the family cat pee on his face while he tries to watch lucha libre, or Mom will take half of his belongings and get the other half in alimony. Merry Christmas, Dad, you’re trapped forever!
For Little Brother: The WTF Is This Thing Supposed to Be? Sweater
Scar him for life this Christmas with this… cat? sweater from the Nickelodeon Rejects Collection. Every time he catches his reflection in the mirror, he sees the monster under his bed engulfing his torso!
For the Older Divorcee Brother: The Roadkill Cat Butt Sweater
Smells like Xmas spirit! Nothing says, “I’m sorry about your failed marriage” like scraping a dead cat off the road and glueing it to a sweater, butt side out. Is Big Bro crying from sadness or the pungent odor of dead cat? Who knows!
For the Aunt Who Really Loves Cats: The I Love Cats Sweater
This beautiful sweater is perfect for the cat lover in your life who has no idea what an orgasm feels like. It’s so unique, Aunt Sally can layer it with her other cat sweaters for a festive holiday look!
For Uncle Stoner: The Whooooooooooooaaaaaaa Cat Sweater
This year, there are more options for Uncle Stoner than ever before, which is great since the dollar store finally ran out of those velvet, glow-in-the-dark unicorn paint-by-numbers. Check out all the choices! The choices, the choices!
Lasercats! Admittedly, I would wear this.
For the sexually confused Uncle Stoner in your life.
For Grandma: The Cat Skating Sweater
This might be the best sweater of all because it’s a sweater featuring a cat wearing a sweater. The only way it could be more meta is if the cat was wearing a cat sweater. Also, it lights up! In fact, the cat is openly skating on top of Christmas lights! This sweater couldn’t make less sense if it tried. Make grandma a fire hazard this year with this luxurious sweater.
For Grandpa: The Alien Elf Cat Sweater
Make everyone palpably uncomfortable this season by giving Grandpa this species-confused cat… elf… sweater. The sequins will make him feel secure in his manhood while making onlooking relatives feel nauseated! Good times for all!
For Cousin Creeper: The Be-A-Cat Sweater
Before Cousin Creeper can make his way to the playground this year, give him this adorable, non-threatening cat sweater. It will make him look and feel more like a real cat, and the kids will be more comfortable around him, too! Bonus: you can record some hilarious videos of him licking himself when he has too much eggnog. Just make sure he still has underwear on if you try to change him into his jammies after he’s passed out!
For Cousin Fatass: The Jungle Cat Sweater
Enhance your cousin’s growing derriere with this sensual jungle cat sweater. The blank, detached face of the cat paired with its positioning smack dab in the middle of your cousin’s ass makes this sweater both flattering and sexy. Your cousin is gonna get so laid!
For Sadsack Father in Law: The Sadsack Cat sweater
Please the man who can’t be pleased with this disembodied Santa Cat sweater. The cat looks so depressed, your father-in-law will look overjoyed by comparison!
For Bitch Mother in Law: The I Wish Cats Were Attacking You Sweater
Finally say, “Merry Christmas, I hate you!” with this avant-garde, fashion-forward sweater. The best part is, any children in the house will relentlessly try and play with the stuffed cats, so your mother in law will have the worst Christmas ever, or the small children in the house will flee in terror! It’s a win-win!
For That One Relative You Can’t Remember How You’re Related To: The Doodle Space Cat Sweater
Who is this person and why are they in your home? Luckily, this sweater is a one-size-fits all of holiday cheer! Perfect for man, woman, child or adult, this versatile sweater gives the same message to everyone: “Get out of the family, Stranger!”
Now that you’ve seen the multitude of gift possibilities for every member of your family, go forth and shop! Until next time, Meow-y Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!