Doors keep closing in my house on their own. People say it’s just the overpowering air conditioning blowing my flimsy doors closed, and they may be right, because the new A/C unit in my house is the Arnold Schwarzenegger (circa Terminator, not Governator) of air conditioning.
But I have a far more reasonable explanation: ghosts.
According to my extensive research*, the general consensus is that ghosts are scary. They just want to harm you or eat all your food like those transparent dicks in Casper. The ghosts at my house are different, though. They’re like butlers. They open and close doors for me.
Some people might find this phenomenon terrifying, like the ghosts are slamming doors to keep me confined or keep me out of their invisible ghost lairs. I beg to differ. My ghosts slam doors, but it’s more of a friendly, “Madam, you left the door open, but it’s cool, I’ll get it” than, “Keep the f*ck out of my ghost lair!”.
I stumbled upon a website called “Your Ghost Stories” which has real-life users posting their real-life ghost encounters. The real-life users make sure to let you know in the titles of their real-life stories that their experiences are not ordinary, because you couldn’t have figured that out from the website’s name, as evidenced by “My Childhood Was Not Like Any Ordinary Childhood”, “More Than Just an Ordinary House”, and “Not Your Ordinary Nap”.
In “Not Your Ordinary Nap”, a fourteen-year-old girl by the name of Ghostgirl511, a totally legitimate and not-generic-sexual-predator username, tells the tale of waking up with what feels like a ghost sitting on her. She says it’s scary and paralyzing and she couldn’t move for a whole two minutes.
Well, I’ve woken up with a cat sitting on me, and cats are like the Egyptian guardians of the underworld, where ghosts go or something, so it’s basically the same. The only difference is that cats are furry and they have hairball breath, so when you wake up with one sitting on you, you get covered in cat fur and a big whiff of hairball in your face. When you wake up with a ghost sitting on you, you can’t see it and you can’t move for two minutes. When you wake up with a cat sitting on you, you can see its beady little eyes poring into your soul and you can’t move until the cat feels like getting up, which could be never.
So let’s review:
Ghosts: Invisible, paralyzing for two minutes.
Cats: Eerily visible, stinky, hairy, paralyzing for eternity.
Verdict: It is decidedly worse to wake up with a cat on you.
So next time a ghost closes a door for you, don’t misconstrue its intention. When you hear it whispering “get out”, it just wants you to get out of the way because it might accidentally slam the door on you if you’re too close. When you see a knife hovering above your bed, don’t fret—it’s just a friendly butler ghost bringing you a weapon for self-defense, because you never know what kind of crazies could break into your house in the middle of the night. If you think a ghost is sitting on you to be malicious, it’s probably just the victim of psychic brainwashing from your domesticated housecat. Your cat is really who you should be scared of. You’ve been warned.
*of watching the Travel Channel’s most haunted places on Earth or whatever that special is that they show every October. Also Supernatural, though let’s be honest, no female viewer pays attention to anything other than the fact that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki are fully clothed and we wish they weren’t.