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Humor

Christmas Cat Sweaters, Part II

yo yo yo

Christmas is almost here, and you haven’t finished shopping! Gasp! Whatever shall you do? Perhaps… purchase a cat sweater or two? That’s right, folks: the long-awaited sequel to Christmas Cat Sweaters is here, and it’s even more questionable than before! Thanks to the multitude of hipsters infesting the USA, the cat sweater population is at an all-time high, so you can find the perfect gift for every member of your family. We don’t have much time before your chain-smoking Aunt Beth arrives and demands to know where her present is, so let’s get down to business, shall we?

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Miley Cyrus’s Tongue Is All Up in Yo Bidness

“Not Without My Tongue: A Drama of Loss and Reprisal”

I kid, it’s just Miley’s tongue hangin’ loose.

By now you have surely seen Miley Cyrus’s disgusting VMA performance. If not, watch it. Everyone else had to be scarred for life so WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE, HUH?

Ahem. This is a compilation of Miley’s tongue hanging out (along with pretty much everything else), slobbering on the audience and trying to steal the show from that candy-throwing chick with the huge butt Miley for some reason had on stage with her.

I won’t even get into how sad her performance was. Honestly though, she might have sold it if HER TONGUE HADN’T CONSTANTLY BEEN OUT. Sticking out your tongue once, twice, even thrice is a gesture of rebellion and angst; sticking it out 100 times is just weird and makes it seem like you’re trying really hard to be young and edgy. We all know she would have had that thing out for every waking moment of the performance had she not had to sing.

Also, I must get this out once. Wearing a nude latex bikini that is 4 sizes too small is NOT HOT. Ok?! Not. Hot. That thing was so far up her ass crack I’m surprised her legs didn’t fall off.


HA.

Lolz her name is Pancake. SUCKS TO BE YOU, PANCAKE.


Obligatory Creepy Friday the 13th Post

It’s the Friday the 13th miracle no one was asking for! Two blog posts in one day!

See this dress? It’s awesome, but it’s made out of something totally gross.

Find out what it’s made of after the jump.

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Tick Tick Tick… Boom

I got my first tick today. I think it was a deer tick. It was big, and it was gross.

I was driving home from having trekked through woods and tall grasses at this guy’s house, and about 30 minutes after hitting the road, this little bug that seemed like a spider started crawling up my arm. I HATE spiders. They’re evil and hell bent on revenge if you try to squish them.

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I Don’t Understand How Inspiration Works Anymore

If you haven’t heard about the Gummy Bear Dress, allow me to fill you in. Someone made a dress out of 50,000 gummy bears that weighs 220 lbs because they were so inspired by the awesome Alexander McQueen dress pictured below that they just had to plagiarize recreate it in gelatin-based candies.

It made me realize that I’ve missed several golden opportunities to make my own interpretations of beautiful things out of random crap. If only the bed I made out of graham cracker crumbs hadn’t been carried away by the ants. The ants. So many ants… so many… there wasn’t time…

Oh well. The good news is, there’s no shortage of artistic people with a few screws loose who get struck by inspiration the way I got struck by a shopping cart in a Kroger parking lot because I tried to steal an old lady’s newly bought denture cleaner so I could see what it tasted like for no reason. People get inspired all the time, and they put the products of their inspirations online:

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I Dream of Weenie

Asian child, I will eat you. Don’t think I won’t do it.

I recently got a job at a fast food restaurant because I forgot why I went to college. The place where I work serves hot dogs, and not just any hot dogs. Delicious hot dogs (see: Figure 4). I’ve never been a huge hot dog fan (unless “hot dog” is a euphemism), but being around them constantly is making me crave them. Need them. (more…)