Battle of the Bods: Twilight Edition

Jacob Black, Bella Boringface, and Edward Cullen of the Twilight franchise.

We’ve all been plagued by nightmarish apparitions of teens wearing “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts, and we all want this headache of a franchise to die a fiery death. The only way to kill the Twilight phenomenon, though, is to solve the question everyone’s asking: Who’s hotter? Jacob or Edward?

I’d make a list of pros and cons, but neither candidate has any pros, so I’ll just weigh the cons:

Jacob’s Cons:

1. Racist. Jacob Black? Really? He’s not black. He’s supposed to be an Indian. Yet he struts around the reservation saying the n-word and eating watermelon, masquerading under the name Black.

2. Drug addict. He’s an Indian, which means he smokes peyote.

3. Eating disorder. You don’t get abs like that without serious self-esteem issues and manorexia.

4. Too young. What is he, 15 years old? He’s practically a toddler.

Edward’s Cons:

1. The most obvious con is probably the fact that he’s an über-pedophile.  He’s the opposite of Jacob, being about 500 years old. What’s Bella, like 16? 17? In dog years, that’s… never mind. Edward is going after tail way younger than him, and why? Because Bella is the perfect blend of plain looks and plain personality, which brings me to point #2:

2. Edward has bad taste. The same can be said for Jacob, since both goons are head-over-fangs in love for the most average girl to ever exist. Also, Edward eats blood (or technically, drinks… whatever). Blood. That means he doesn’t know how to cook for humans, and every man should be able to cook something other than blood soufflé.

3. Ugly. Oh sure, Edward looks nice beneath all that white face paste, but without it, he’s got asymmetrical eyes, blotchy skin, Nick Nolte hair, and a general expression of “oh, sorry Jacob, I ‘accidentally’ smoked all your peyote.”


4. Ice cold cock. While the idea of having sex with a freezer is quite enchanting, in reality, it’s got to be pretty awful. You know how if you stick your tongue to a cold metal pole during winter, it’s hard to detach it without a considerable amount of pain? Now imagine sticking your vagina to that pole and see if it’s so fun.

Both Twilight characters are nauseating, but which one is the lesser of two evils? The answer is… drumroll please…

Neither! They both suck equally.

Unfortunately, that means we didn’t answer the question of “Who’s hotter?” in the eyes of Twilight fans, so we’ll be plagued with another 40 years of Twilight darkness.


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