So that was how Shelby and I ended up walking home together, taking the back roads from the school to my neighborhood. Turned out that she didn’t live very far from me, only a few blocks away. With all the things I knew about her, I couldn’t believe I didn’t know that. Her house’s distance from mine created so many opportunities to… no, no. I was not a stalker.
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May 6, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: 1970, 1973, 1978, Best of Both Worlds, Cavan, Dodge Challenger, Hannah Montana, high school, humor, I Punched a Girl, Part X, pediatric surgeon, Pennsylvania, ringtone, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Thiel, Vanishing Point, X-rays | Leave a comment
Because I was the sexiest man alive, I managed to knock myself out twice in one day, and because I did this, I couldn’t drive. I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up while I watched everyone else in my class leave in their cars. Just call me Captain Lady-Killer. No… the ‘captain’ made me seem like a murderer instead of a sarcastic, self-deprecating dork.
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April 14, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, awkward, Best of Both Worlds, boots, car, Cavan, cell phones, dress, fiction, girls, Hannah Montana, high school, I Punched a Girl, kids, lace, Lissie, love, mom, Part IX, phones, romance, sex, Shelby, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, short story, Skanz, students, walk, YouTube | 2 Comments
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
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February 20, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: class, crush, dick, dildo, dildos, douche, fear, high school, I Punched a Girl, jocks, laugh, locker, locker penis, love, penis, pre-cal, romance, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Verne Troyer, vibrator | 1 Comment
I gulped so intensely I knew she could hear it. Stupid Adam’s apple.
“Hhhheh,” I croaked. That was loser for “hi”.
“Hi, Cavan,” she said. “I—”
“Shelby! What happened to your nose?” Emilio asked.
“Cavan punched her,” Andy said, French fries dropping out of his mouth.
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February 16, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Aliens, Andy Summers, awkward, best friends, Cavan, class, Dear Abby, embarrassment, Facebook, fear, gay, hair, high school, I Punched a Girl, I Punched a Girl: Part VII, jokes, Just Like Heaven, Loch Ness Monster, love story, reasons why I'm gay, romance, romantic comedy, Ryan Sheckler, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, skateboarding, TV, YouTube | Leave a comment
After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.
“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.
See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.
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February 5, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, blonde, broken nose, brunette, Cavan, cheerleaders, chicken spaghetti, chocolate milk, Emilio, fiction, fourth period, french fries, high school, Hispanic, I Punched a Girl, Latino, love, lunch, pun, punch, Rice Kristies, romance, school cafeteria, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, spelling, talking with mouth full | Leave a comment
“Bye, Sweetie!” my mom cried over my sister’s Miley Cyrus music as I stepped out of her car. Then she drove away to drop my sister off at her school.
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February 3, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Wellness, WTF | Tags: Aliens, Andy, bandage, boy, broken nose, Cavan, girl, high school, High School Musical 3, hit, I Punched a Girl, little sister, lockers, Miley Cyrus, mom, Music, punch, puppy love, romance, Scientology, sex, Shelby Waters, Todd, Tom Cruise | Leave a comment
“How does someone even get knocked out twice in one day?” I heard Andy ask. Everything was black. I couldn’t see.
“I can’t see!” I wailed.
“Open your eyes, dumbass,” Andy said.
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January 10, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, bed, broken nose, Cavan, concussion, dinner, doctor, embarrassment, family, fiction, friend, health, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, knock out, mom, mommy, relationship, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, sleep, surgery | Leave a comment
