If you missed out on this show, be sad.
Not as sad as if you missed out on their show at Trees almost 3 years ago, when they gave a seriously unbeatable performance, but be sad.
It is my personal, factual, undisputed, universally-accepted-as-truth belief that BRMC is incapable of giving a bad performance. The night of April 27th was no exception.
State Fair mascot Big Tex died a mere 3 days ago. The beloved, terrifying giant cowboy is being mourned by Texans all over the world (or maybe just in Texas, ’cause they’re Texans).
The problem with mourning Big Tex is the obviousness that he’s a sex criminal (as evidenced by his face) using his celebrity to endorse Dickie’s, the makers of the worst clothes ever with the worst name ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss him, but I don’t think we should be sweeping his creepiness under the rug like we did when MJ died. We can’t fit him under a rug anyway.
Sappy Graduation Post, Well, It’s Not That Sappy, but Whatever, It’s a Graduation Post but It’s Mostly About Sherman and Yes This Whole Sentence Is the Title of This Post.
You’re not cool if you don’t recognize the guy in this picture.
I graduated today, only not. Technically, I graduated early. Impressive, no? The answer actually is no because I only graduated a semester early, and honestly, it was an accident. I didn’t mean to be so damn efficient in my college career.
That’s a lie. I was not at all efficient in my college career, but in high school I did dual credit stuff at a community college so I could hang out with stoners who had animal hoarding problems. But that’s a story for another time.
Because I took those community college classes as a teen with misplaced anger issues, I didn’t have to go to college for as long as I thought I would. My plan was to go to Austin College (not in Austin) for a year or so, then transfer to a school that actually offered a program I was interested in. I swore I would not graduate from Austin College. I refused. I was going somewhere better.
I never transferred, and thank God for that.
This past Friday, I attended the State Fair of Texas. It was fun, but the nutritional equivalent of fried turd I ate mandated that this weekend be X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND. X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND is my specially formulated diet plan to lose bulk without improving overall health. It involves a lot of diet soda. I guess it’s more of an anti-detox… but detox sounds better so it’s X-TREEM DETOX WEEKEND, with a completely unnecessary but nonetheless effectively aggressive misspelling of “extreme”! So tape Coke Zero cans to your hands and start downing my patented X-TREEM DETOX DIET PILLS!
As many of you may know, Texas has been the proverbial hair in the Golden Corral dinner that is the 2011 heatwave. I don’t know what proverb that comes from, but what I mean to say is that Texas is smack dab in the middle of one of its worst heat waves in decades. With autumn fast approaching, one can only hope the sun will soon get off its power trip and go see a therapist instead of torturing all us Texans with its evil rays. It’s not Texas’s fault your dad never loved you, Sun.
Much mayhem (not the All State kind) has occurred in this summer heatwave, including fires, sunburns, and car steering wheels reaching the temperature of frying pans. So let us grab a cold beverage and review the highlights of this passing, scorching summer.
Yesterday (or today, depending on how you look at it, since I’m writing this at 2:34 am Texas time) was Oprah’s last show. Her last hurrah. Last shebang. Last housewife lovefest. Last time to gaze at herself longingly in her dressing room mirror, which is the size of my house.
Actually, no, she’ll probably still be doing that last one.
I say good riddance, but many people are in mourning. I’d like to remind you of my past Friday the 13th post, in which I predicted the outcome of the world after this catastrophic event (hint: the outcome is destruction).
Go buy beans, batteries, baby dolls, or whatever else you’ll need to survive underground while housewives everywhere rampantly destroy the world. The Y2K stuff you never put to use will do.
You’ve been warned.
I made this video for a school performance event (it was silent film-themed, sort of) to tell the audience to get the hell outta the room and go do something else for ten minutes, because it was time for intermission.