Posts tagged “family

Christmas Cat Sweaters, Part II

yo yo yo

Christmas is almost here, and you haven’t finished shopping! Gasp! Whatever shall you do? Perhaps… purchase a cat sweater or two? That’s right, folks: the long-awaited sequel to Christmas Cat Sweaters is here, and it’s even more questionable than before! Thanks to the multitude of hipsters infesting the USA, the cat sweater population is at an all-time high, so you can find the perfect gift for every member of your family. We don’t have much time before your chain-smoking Aunt Beth arrives and demands to know where her present is, so let’s get down to business, shall we?



I Punched a Girl: Part IV

“How does someone even get knocked out twice in one day?” I heard Andy ask. Everything was black. I couldn’t see.

“I can’t see!” I wailed.

“Open your eyes, dumbass,” Andy said.


Your Christmas List for People You’re Obligated to Love

Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.


Pink Zebra Van Real Estate Guns

What does pink zebra print have to do with family real estate?

The answer is absolutely nothing. So why does the Mercer family think a promotional van covered in pink zebra print is a good idea?

Mercer Family Realty serves Denton, TX. They’re there to help you sell a house, buy a house, and blind you with their eyesore of a van.

About two weeks ago, I was driving home from work and saw a black van covered in pink zebra print. I figured it was a promotional van for some kind of tween girl clothing store or “edgy” cake bakery. I was surprised to see that it was actually advertising real estate. It took me a while to regain my sight after it was taken from me by the uncomfortable juxtaposition of family realty and pink animal print.

A few days ago, I saw the van again, parked outside a grocery store. Sighting a van twice in roughly two weeks? Hardly seems coincidental.

I am convinced Mercer Family Realty is following me. But that’s not important. Maybe it’s important.