Posts tagged “children

Christmas Cat Sweaters

It’s Christmas Eve! You know what that means. Last-minute shopping! Many of you have yet to find that perfect gift for everyone on your list, but you’re in luck! There’s one universally loved gift that suits everyone: the cat sweater!

I’ve made a list of a few beautiful cat sweaters that everyone can appreciate. Your gift will touch the recipient so much, he or she might cry!

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At 7:00 a.m., You’re Up to No Good

You know how naggy moms tell you to be home by midnight, because nothing good happens after 12:00 a.m.? Well, I disagree with that entirely.

Plenty of great things happen after 12. Sex, drugs, alcohol, late-night burritos and burgers– All these things are very healthy. What you really need to watch out for is what goes on past 7 a.m. No good happens between the hours of 7:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Here’s why:

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8 Reasons Why Snakes on a Plane Is a Great Parenting Guide

1. Snakes on a Plane teaches us to put our children’s safety above all else with this cardinal rule: always carry a gun on a plane. This should be obvious. The threat of snakes, orangutans, piranha, and other wild animals on planes is no laughing matter. The only way to take down a lei-horny snake is to shoot it, despite the fact that you’ve probably already killed several others with homemade flamethrowers, knives, and broken bottles duck-taped to sticks. Remember parents: put your child’s wellbeing first. Carry a gun so you can shoot the snake before it shoots your child.

2. I bet before you saw Snakes on a Plane, you thought small children were the most susceptible to death by snakebite. Wrong! Snakes on a Plane teaches us that children have special black cobra antibodies, and these antibodies keep the small children alive for hours and hours while the bitten adults collapse and die around them. So next time Camp Counselor Willy takes them out for a tent-time adventure, don’t pack the snakebite kit. Instead, keep it close to you in your home, because snakes are 73% more likely to attack you in a residential area than in the woods. Of that 73%, they are 56% more likely to attack you indoors. Fact.

3. Stop playing fetch with your dog and start playing fetch with your dog. Snakes on a Plane demonstrates the fun of playing fetch with a snake, using your dog in place of a stick or ball. Children love this activity, and it’s completely G-rated. In fact, snake fetch was one of the most cherished family activities of Roman times, seconded only by BBB, baby booze binging. Take a cue from the Romans and round up your kiddos in the backyard for a game of snake fetch before dinner. You can even add to the fun by tossing your child at the snake instead of the dog!

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