If you haven’t heard about the Gummy Bear Dress, allow me to fill you in. Someone made a dress out of 50,000 gummy bears that weighs 220 lbs because they were so inspired by the awesome Alexander McQueen dress pictured below that they just had to
plagiarize recreate it in gelatin-based candies.
It made me realize that I’ve missed several golden opportunities to make my own interpretations of beautiful things out of random crap. If only the bed I made out of graham cracker crumbs hadn’t been carried away by the ants. The ants. So many ants… so many… there wasn’t time…
Oh well. The good news is, there’s no shortage of artistic people with a few screws loose who get struck by inspiration the way I got struck by a shopping cart in a Kroger parking lot
because I tried to steal an old lady’s newly bought denture cleaner so I could see what it tasted like for no reason. People get inspired all the time, and they put the products of their inspirations online:
Because I was the sexiest man alive, I managed to knock myself out twice in one day, and because I did this, I couldn’t drive. I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up while I watched everyone else in my class leave in their cars. Just call me Captain Lady-Killer. No… the ‘captain’ made me seem like a murderer instead of a sarcastic, self-deprecating dork.
In the spirit of the popular twitter feed whose name I ripped off of when creating my blog, I thought I’d provide you with some phrases from my very own dear ol’ dad. Here’s a small dictionary of his phrases:
“German Abortion”: One’s wife’s dying Mercedes convertible.
“The Slime That Slime Would Spit On”: An asshole who drives recklessly or cuts one off in rush hour traffic.
Used in a sentence: “You’re slime! No, you’re the slime that slime would spit on!”
“D-E-D Dead”: The traditional meaning of the word “dead”, but spelled aloud incorrectly.
“Retard School”: An imaginary school where stupid people go and are treated like those with intellectual disabilities. In this school, the students are required to wear helmets at all times.
You know how naggy moms tell you to be home by midnight, because nothing good happens after 12:00 a.m.? Well, I disagree with that entirely.
Plenty of great things happen after 12. Sex, drugs, alcohol, late-night burritos and burgers– All these things are very healthy. What you really need to watch out for is what goes on past 7 a.m. No good happens between the hours of 7:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Here’s why: