Aldi Cereal Mascots Are Coming for You in the Night
I don’t want to get freaky with your fruits, disco granny cat!
All of Aldi’s cereal boxes are teeming with eerie, bug-eyed Pixar rejects. Their eyes follow you around the store. You can try and hide in the produce section but it won’t do you any good. They have already seen you.
Why does Aldi use these pee-your-pants creepy mascots? I have a theory…
It’s like this. A production company making the next family-friendly animated blockbuster decided to cut corners by opting for a cheap animation company. They commissioned many animal-type characters, some of which do not exist in the realms of human, animal or microbe life.
Case in point: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING.
They wanted to make a statement that mixed race families are okay in a weak attempt to be edgy, so they decided to blend a cat with a squirrel,
lizards with fish,
Bob Belcher with Crippled Captain Crunch,
and a loaf of bread with the ability to breathe.
What they didn’t realize was no one from any race-related charity would back the characters, I wonder why. The characters were brought before focus groups consisting of small children. When presented with their images, the children screamed and cried and tried to eat each other. The producers of the film knew inciting cannibalism among children would cause problems for their bottom line, so they fired the animation company and started anew.
The animation company was left with its Frankencharacters and all rights to them. “What will we do with our beloved characters?” it asked. “We wasted so many resources on them—how will we ever remake our money?” Then Aldi swooped in out of nowhere and offered to buy the characters at below-Walmart prices. The animation company was desperate—both for money and to be rid of them.
Any affection for the characters flew out the window when it was reported they were following late-working staff members to their cars in the dead of night.
Also that they had come to life. That part was apparently quite a no-no.
They sold all of the characters to Aldi, and Aldi emblazoned all their cereal boxes with them in an attempt to redirect the cannibalism into profit, you know, like, “Hey kids, don’t eat each other, eat these colorful cardboard chunks instead!” And it worked.
Aldi didn’t stop there. It knew it had to throw a crazed, murderous clown into the mix for good measure, since the kiddies love ‘em and all.
Beyond the clown, digging into a deeper level of your psyche, is this:
The love child of a starfish and brainless burn victim???
But for me personally, the creepiest of all the mascots are these jellyfish.
What do jellyfish have to do with puffed rice? “Hey kids, eat this and I’ll sting you and you’ll have to make your mom pee on you to ease the pain! Hooray!”
The jellyfish were the first thing I noticed when I walked into Aldi for the first and last time. And they will continue to haunt me.
Which mascot haunts you the most? You have a variety of freaky shit to choose from.
Tony the Tiger, when did you get so… purple?
A train. A train? Really?! I just… I can’t even… I… fuck you, Aldi.
Several of the images used in this post were stolen from The Mind of a Big Cat and Tip Top Shape, both of which are very funny and worth a read. I particularly like this short and sweet “In Memoriam”.
This entry was posted on August 29, 2013 by MaryChain. It was filed under Food, Horror, Uncategorized and was tagged with Aldi, cartoon, cereal, cookies, creepy, funny, mascot, Millville, movie, pee, scary, Schnucks, weird, WTF.