Big Tex Is Dead, and That’s Okay

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State Fair mascot Big Tex died a mere 3 days ago. The beloved, terrifying giant cowboy is being mourned by Texans all over the world (or maybe just in Texas, ’cause they’re Texans).

The problem with mourning Big Tex is the obviousness that he’s a sex criminal (as evidenced by his face) using his celebrity to endorse Dickie’s, the makers of the worst clothes ever with the worst name ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss him, but I don’t think we should be sweeping his creepiness under the rug like we did when MJ died. We can’t fit him under a rug anyway.

Big Tex’s stare is at best unsettling and at worst the look of a Pagan god who’s been slyly wreaking havoc over the years with his innocent shrugging pose.

“Who, me? I’m just standing here, leering over you. This is Texas, so ah do what ah wawnt!”

Don’t tell me you didn’t get sick every year you went to the state fair. Fried foods and jerky rides hardly merit a pleasant post-fair experience. They’re the cause of your annual illness… or are they?

I think someone discovered Big Tex’s god qualities and tried to use them for her or himself, angering Big Tex. Suddenly rides are trapping people, Madonna cancels her Dallas concert and men are getting shot all the way in San Antonio. Coincidence? Pff.

The culmination of Big Tex’s anger was his own fiery pseudo-demise, ending his 60-year reign of terror. Check out Big Tex’s Wikipedia page to see his evolution over the years, somehow getting more creepy with time (except in 1956, when he was clearly seeking human sacrifice).

Big Tex will be back. That’s a given since you can’t kill gods. While he’s gone, fellow Texans, let’s enjoy our brief time away from him. If you miss him so much you went to his memorial service, think of it this way: at least Big Tex got to literally go down in flames.