12 Weirdest Justin Bieber Products
Justin Bieber (or as I like to call him, Justin Gerber) is a pop sensation, and as such, it is his duty to amass large quantities of money by plastering his face to everything. Such is capitalism. There is a line, though, between Bieber Fever and Bieber Schizophrenia. Bieber Fever inspires a lot of merchandise, like t-shirts, posters, and teddy bears. Bieber Schizophrenia, on the other hand, generates weird crap like this:
12. JB Barbie: Yeah, Barbie, not Ken. You can’t expect me to look at that face and see a man. And how weird does this thing look? It’s just, like, staring… looking nowhere in particular, probably wishing its hair wasn’t painted onto its head like that. Maybe it’s the failed-decapitation neck slit that’s throwing me off, but something about this G.I. Joe-gone-wrong just doesn’t sit right with me.
“The call is coming from inside the house! From a tiny plastic Barbie phone!”
I’m guessing there’s a definite connection between people who bought this doll and people who got slaughtered in their homes with the doors locked from the inside.
Hello, Wax Statue Bieber. I never thought I’d see you outside of that train station whorehouse.
11. JB Perfume: I know cologne wouldn’t make sense from a marketing standpoint since
A) Bieber has no male fans (which is weird since he looks like a girl), and
B) Bieber looks pretty fresh out of the womb, and cologne is for grown-up men who can smoke and drink and take heart disease medication.
You gotta admit, though, a male celebrity coming out with a perfume is a little strange. Especially since his target demographic is too young to be wearing perfume. This stuff is sold at Macy’s, not Claire’s. It costs like $50. When I was twelve, $50 was a fortune. You could buy all kinds of Barbie shoes and fire-starting devices with that money. So how do modern-day twelve-year-olds afford this? Lemonade stands? Prostitution? Murder threats?
“Mom, drive me to Macy’s and buy me that perfume or I will SLIT YOUR THROAT.”
Nice to know JB promotes positive family values. Also, do I even need to point out how rip-offy the bottle design is?
Look! It’s “Someday” by Justin Bieber! No, wait, it’s “Lola” by Marc Jacobs, a perfume that came out over a year before Bieber’s smell juice. The cap designs look awfully similar.
10. JB Booty Shorts: Call me old school, but I don’t support ass shorts, especially double ass shorts (ass shorts with a message on the ass). I mean, yeah, high school and college athletes should be free to wear double ass shorts, regardless of how much they scream “PAY ATTENTION TO MY BUTT”, but come on, little kids? Why do parents find it acceptable to put their preteens in booty shorts? And Bieber booty shorts, to boot. Tsk tsk.
9. JB Pillow: Flip those initials around and you get a very different message.
8. JB 3D Glasses: Yeah, yeah, he had a 3D movie. Blah blah blah. The question is, why is he wearing his own glasses? And why is he doing so while poorly imitating a T-Rex?
7. JB Wall Decal: He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so get that stalker the hell off your wall for goodness sake.
6. JB Life Size Cardboard Cut Out: Whaddaya mean it’s weird to have a life-size Bieber cut out standing in your room, leering over your bed? I have one. I stood him up right next to my Bieber wall decal so he wouldn’t get lonely. You should get one, too. It’s available in his official online store, which is perfectly normal. It’s not at all bizarre that his online bazaar sells life-size cardboard versions of him, or that he is literally selling himself. Oh, and don’t worry, if you don’t like that outfit, there’s another one:
5. JB Piggy Bank: Customizable! Hooray! Finally, a place to put all the money I’ve been saving for his next concert. $2.00 in dimes is enough for a ticket, right?
4. JB Cat Toy: Can someone please explain to me why this exists? I mean, really, I can understand the pillow, or the wall decal, even the piggy bank if I try hard enough, but a catnip toy? And what the hell is it supposed to be? A mouse? Cat? Horse? Is it supposed to be Bieber? Sock puppet Bieber? One thing’s for sure: it’s terrifying. This is, hands down, the scariest-looking cat toy I have ever seen in my life. It might just be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in general.
And it looks like a sponge monkey.
3. JB Dental Floss: The fact that there’s even a “Dental Care” product category on JB’s official website should serve as some kind of red flag that maybe, just maybe, JB marketing has gotten out of hand. There isn’t even anything special about this floss, except that it’s 55 yards long, which might be enough to tie Bieber to a chair when a buyer inevitably kidnaps him.
2. JB Singing Toothbrush: I don’t even know where to begin with this piece of toothshittery. The distortion of the singing from the subpar speaker (or the fact that it’s inside your mouth), the phallic shape of the toothbrush, the price… $15 might seem reasonable to you, but buying those songs on iTunes and listening to them while using a $4 toothbrush would cost under half as much. Also, I hope I’m not alone in my total confusion regarding the floating Bieber ghost head next to “Featuring 2 Hit Singles”. Is it supposed to make me want to brush my teeth? Or scare me into brushing my teeth? Dental hygiene is an effective marketing device, but I still must ask why this singing toothbrush has come into the world. To my knowledge, Bieber is the only celebrity with a singing toothbrush. Why. Why? WHY?!
1. JB Gun: This… beautiful? glock cover is sure to get your preteen daughter excited about… whatever it is she’s supposed to get excited about. Killing? I’m sure people have been slain in the name of Bieber before, but never this stylishly.