I Don’t Know What You Did Last Summer… Besides Sweat to Death
As many of you may know, Texas has been the proverbial hair in the Golden Corral dinner that is the 2011 heatwave. I don’t know what proverb that comes from, but what I mean to say is that Texas is smack dab in the middle of one of its worst heat waves in decades. With autumn fast approaching, one can only hope the sun will soon get off its power trip and go see a therapist instead of torturing all us Texans with its evil rays. It’s not Texas’s fault your dad never loved you, Sun.
Much mayhem (not the All State kind) has occurred in this summer heatwave, including fires, sunburns, and car steering wheels reaching the temperature of frying pans. So let us grab a cold beverage and review the highlights of this passing, scorching summer.
1. Blazing Hot Beverages: Take an ice cold can of cola and put it in your car with the air conditioning turned all the way up. Leave for 15 minutes. Return to find a refreshing can of boiling Dr. Pepper. Consume with a side of fava beans and Chianti.
2. Obscenely Obese Men Finding It Socially Acceptable to Go Shirtless in Public: Let’s face it, Texas isn’t known for being skinny. I don’t have anything against the morbidly obese, but I would prefer that they stay clothed in public settings. In fact, I would prefer that everyone stay clothed in public settings. It’s one thing to wear a bikini to a pool party; it’s quite another to go pantsless by the side of the road (unless that is your profession). This summer, it was not uncommon to see fat dudes flaunting their flab by the side of the road, doing nothing in particular except making people gag.
This man appears to be shopping. Hopefully he is shopping for a shirt, either for himself or for the fetus in his tummy.
Look, I get it, okay? It was and still is ridiculously HOT this summer, but that does not mean you have an excuse to unleash the belly, big dudes. I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly sure you won’t die of heat exhaustion for leaving your pineapple-printed shirt buttoned.
3. Melting Plastic: It got so hot this summer that the plastic in people’s cars melted. I lost three CD cases to this melting, three CD cases which were near and dear to my heart. Actually, I didn’t give a shit about them, but the plastic melting does pose a serious threat to our society. It’s a well-known fact that Russian sweat shop workers are responsible for melting plastic. If the environment melts our plastic for us, the five-year-olds slaving away tossing old water bottles and Sam Moon jewelry into furnaces will be out of their jobs. The world isn’t ready for Russia’s unemployment rate to rival the USA’s. So make sure you protect your plastic, people.
4. Sweating: Everybody sweats. Some sweat more than others, but that is normal. You might notice you will sweat more as your body goes through more changes. This is normal. Now turn to page 12 of your puberty pamphlet.
For those of us who are human, sweating is something we’ve done our whole lives. However, none of us expected to expel enough sweat to fill the Atlantic Ocean 10 times over, or Barbara Streisand’s nose once, which is what happened in Texas this summer. If a quick dash from your car to the supermarket door could leave you drenched, I don’t even wanna think about how much sweat was produced by going for a jog, or, heaven forbid, sitting next to Michele Bachmann. Probably enough to drown 7,000 chimpanzees, because, as everyone knows, chimps can’t swim without water.
5. Severe Lack of Decent Ice Cream Flavors Available at WalMart: Self-explanatory.
Unless you want to continue wrestling shirtless fat men for the last pint of Chunky Monkey in WalMart’s freezer section, I propose we gather together and perform a state-wide rain dance, fellow Texans. It doesn’t even have to be a rain dance, just some kind of collective, pagan, weather-inducing ritual. If a sacrifice is necessary, I’m sure we can use Hilary Duff. She’s just a blemish on our state’s face anyway.