I Punched a Girl: Part VIII
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
Ugh. I forgot they had pre-cal together.
“I’m not gay,” I replied, although the response was really meant for Shelby’s ears. Just in case she thought I was gay. Not that she’d ever date me or anything, but I just thought I should clear up any confusion, you know, so she’d know my sexual orientation when she decided to continue to not date me.
“Tell that to the dick in your locker,” Todd jeered.
“What? Again? How much do you spend on dildos just to taunt me?” I asked.
Shelby stifled a laugh. Great. She was laughing at me. Todd had successfully brought her into his penis-themed nightmare world, which was the world I imagined Todd lived in, since he seemed to be addicted to putting dildos in my locker. “Penis-Themed Nightmare World” sounded like the name of a really messed up theme park. Like, Tim Burton meets Ron Jeremy meets herpes-on-a-stick, you know, instead of corn dogs. Naturally the sponsors would be Viagra and Extenze. There’d be rides like The Penis Pinch 2000 roller coaster and the Phallus Ferris Wheel, and all those cheap carnival games where you throw darts at balloons and stuff would have stuffed animals with huge erections as prizes.
Then I realized I was thinking about a penis-themed amusement park, and suddenly, my gay reputation made sense.
“It’s not a dildo,” he said. “I upgraded you.”
I felt all the colors of my face melt and drip onto the floor. Scared pale, I cautiously approached my locker. Todd put a real penis in my locker this time, I thought. I’m going to open the door and a real human penis is going to be penising all over my books. Where did he find a penis? He’d have to have taken it by force. Who’s penis did he cut off? A scarier thought entered my mind. Is it my penis? Did he somehow detach my own penis from me? It’s not like I use mine, so how would I know if it was gone? I felt my groin. Phew. All the proper genetalia was still there. Why had I ever let myself think it wasn’t? At least this whole ordeal was giving me some good haunted house ideas for Penis-Themed Nightmare World.
I rotated the lock to my locker combination, fingers trembling. Even though I changed it every week, Todd still managed to break into my locker all the time. The door opened and something phallus-shaped fell out and plopped onto the ground, then started buzzing and rolling around.
“Eeeeeeeek!” I shrieked. What the hell was that thing? RoboCop’s penis?
Todd laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen, and to him, it probably was. To me, though, it was fiercely embarrassing and incredibly scary. The sound it made was not of this world.
“It’s like he’s never seen a vibrator before!” Todd cried in between haughty laughs. Some of his cronies were magically standing behind him, giving him high fives, like they always did. I was beginning to suspect they were holograms, since they appeared and disappeared all too quickly.
Though I’d never admit it to him, he was right. I’d never seen a vibrator in real life before. I mean, I’d seen a few on the internet, ’cause… uhh…
I looked past the roaring muscle heads. Shelby was gone.