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Fun Things to Do on Singles Awareness Day

This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.

Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):

Hit Up a Nightclub: Gather your girls or guys and go dancing at the hottest club in town. People are especially horny on Singles Awareness Day, so getting laid is a sure thing! Just remember not to bring a condom, because whoever you go home with could use it to strangle and rob you.

Have a Romantic Comedy Movie Marathon: Go to your local Blockbuster and rent light-hearted, fun, sappy movies that will be sure to make you cry tears of joy. Good examples include Breaking the Waves, Million Dollar Baby, Dancer in the Dark, Hotel Rwanda, Sophie’s Choice, The Fly, or Seven Pounds.

Send Your Ex Supportive Facebook Messages: Create a new Facebook account under a cutesy name like “Bloodie McDeathies” and send your ex fun, encouraging messages to let him or her know you’re over the break up and ready to be friends. Good examples include, “Hey, I watched you sleep yesterday”, “Guess which one of your cereal boxes I filled with rat poison and feces”, and “I’m going to kill you in seven days”.

Paint the Town Red: Literally! Grab some brushes and red paint at your local Home Depot and go crazy! Paint trees! Paint buildings! Paint cars! Children! Pigeons! Pigeons’ poop! The new, festive look of your town will have everyone in a pleasant SAD mood.

Walk Alone in a Bad Neighborhood: This is always a fun activity, but is especially merry on SAD. Dress up in your most expensive clothes and jewelry and strut your stuff up and down the streets of that one neighborhood your mom tells you to avoid. For added amusement, wave to everyone you see and tease them with funny phrases like, “I bet you’re so poor you can’t even tell that my watch is worth $13,000!”

Whip Prospective Mates’ Butts with a Wet Towel: This locker room-style activity is perfect for all ages! Just hose down a towel, go to your local mall, and smack the bottoms of any cuties that catch your eye. It’s so easy!

Tie Garden Gnomes on Local Stray Cats’ Backs: Your lil’ catback-riding army of gnomes will be the talk of the town this SAD!

Go Taco Bell Surfing: The sport of Taco Bell surfing has just been introduced into the X-games, so celebrate it! Take part in leaping off of your local Taco Bell’s roof on a longboard and landing in a giant heap of their signature non-meat. It’s even more fun if you teach small children how to do it!

Run Over Potatoes with a Four-Wheeler in a Church Parking Lot: Everyone knows making homemade mashed potatoes can be difficult… unless you use a four-wheeler! Why not get a head start on this year’s Thanksgiving? Drive over to your local church and speed through spuds on a four-wheeler in its parking lot. It’s productive, fun, and family-friendly.

Read a Where’s Waldo Book While Steering a Canoe in a Public Swimming Pool: Just because it’s 35 degrees outside doesn’t mean you can’t go swimming! Grab a friend, or, if you don’t have any friends, a stolen preschooler, and attempt the almost-impossible task of finding Waldo while canoeing upstream through bikini-clad teens and hairy, overweight men. The fun never ends!

So there you have it, single folks. Don’t be discouraged by your exes’ distaste for your doll head collections. Turns out, being single is awesome! You can’t canoe in a public swimming pool with some frumpy ball and chain weighing you down. Go have the happiest SAD ever!

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