WTF Search Terms, 2nd Edition
A while ago, I made a list of a few bizarre search terms people used to find my blog. After seeing more weird words pop up over the last month or so, I selected my favorite search terms and categorized them by Misspellings, Monica Lewinsky, Questions, Creepy Fetishes, Whatever This Is, and Miscellaneous.
“Amrican lemon”—The incredibly low budget sequel to Amrican Beauty, the American Beauty porno rip-off. Amrican Lemon tells the story of a high school lemon who sleeps with a guy who will only use old grocery bags that have blown around in the wind for condoms. Also, the lemon’s dad fantasizes that her cheerleader friend is constantly surrounded by lemon peels.
“Kit Kat cola falvour Japanese buy”—You can buy cola-flavored Kit Kats from the eBay seller Jappy11. As far as cola-falvoured Kit Kats go, though, I think you’re out of luck.
“Volupouis girls”—I don’t know what a volupouis girl is, but it sounds like a cross between a woman and a marsupial… so basically a human woman with a kangaroo pouch. Well, whoever googled this was clearly looking for some marsupial woman love, and they’re in luck. I recently discovered meetmarsupialwomen.com, the eHarmony of marsupial humans looking for pouchy love in this hectic world. They specialize in tracking down volupouis girls so you don’t have to.
“Rasist KFC”—The Colonel is pretty rasist. I remember reading somewhere that he used to rally outside schools in favor of segregation, holding up signs like “Keep the Rases Separate”, “Rases Shouldn’t Mix”, and “Get 12 Pieces of Chicken for $1.99 With Your KKK Membership Card”.
“Monica Lewinsky masturbating .com”—I don’t understand why anyone would want to see that.
“Monica Lewinsky boobs”—Put them away, ML.
“The girl with free hugs shit who is she”—Her name is Whattheh Elle and she lives on the corner of Nooneknowswhat Road and Youretalkingabout Boulevard.
“Do they turn poop into bacon in Japan”—Yes, just like how they turn poop into cake. Bacon cake. See: the “Miscellaneous” section of this list.
“Is the song power by Kanye West about LSD”—No, it’s just about Kanye’s mind-blowing narcissism.
“Do teen boys wear overalls?”—No. If you don’t live on a farm and your teenage son is wearing overalls, tell him to stop reenacting the “Come On Eileen” music video and send him to one of those “pray the gay away” camps.
“Can I slowly bleed into my throat from a punch”—Yes, especially if you got punched in the leg.
“McDonald’s Grimace porn”—There’s no denying that when it comes to fast food restaurant characters, Grimace is the sexiest one. Although it seems that The Burger King is giving him a run for his money.
“Albino sexual deviancy”—Duh.
“Men dressed as strawberry shortcake images”—Everyone has those days when they wake up and think, “Gee whiz, I really want to see some 25-year-old male beefcakes dressed up like a 3-year-old female cartoon character.”
Whatever This Is
“трогательные мать и дитя” —I’m going to hazard a guess that these search terms either came from spammers or Greek aliens. The more likely choice is of course the latter, so welcome to my blog, Cebepxibect Behoho Oto and Teporlatejihible Math H. Hater.
“Satanic shit”—Hey man, the devil’s got to poop too.
“Bucket of hot dogs”—Why?
“Horrible shitting”—As opposed to wonderful shitting?
“Stalker tutoring”—It’s unfortunate that the Sylvan Learning Center doesn’t offer tutoring in how to better follow people down dark alleys, but luckily, the Kumon Math and Reading Center just started offering courses in similar subjects, like “Sniffing Hair”, “Walking Three Feet Behind Stalkees at All Times”, and “Cyberstalking: Facebook Edition”.
“Cake shit tube”—The newest form of astronaut food: cake shit in a tube!
“Pretty snake kitty sweater”—This is an oxymoron. The words “pretty” and “kitty sweater” do not belong in the same phrase, let alone with a snake in the mix.
“Girl shits out of car”—Denny just couldn’t hold in her diarrhea on the last family road trip.
“Japan cake from shit”—This search term pops up more than I’d like to admit, which makes me think that somewhere in Japan, someone is making cake from excrement. Somehow, I’m not surprised.
“KFC lil’ bucket strawberry shortcake”—Lil’ Bucket sounds the name of an adolescent rapper. Lil’ Bucket’s first album, “A KFC Bucket of Strawberry Shortcake Homies”, will only reach #5 on the charts. Then Lil’ Bucket will get addicted to crack and die.
“Talking to my mom is awkward”—That’s unfortunate, I guess.
And lastly, the winner of the prestigious ShitMyCakeSays Best Search Term Ever Award:
“So you’ve fallen and pooped”—It happens to the best of us.