Battle of the Bods: McDonald’s Edition

It’s a tale as old as time, true as it can be. Or rather, a question as old as the birth of McDonald’s. Who’s hotter, Grimace or the Hamburglar?


He’s bold, beautiful, and seductively eating a chicken nugget in front of your drooling face, which has to be some form of cannibalism, given that he looks like a big chicken nugget. A purple, fuzzy chicken nugget. He’s Grimace, and he’s a serial rapist.

Don’t be fooled by his chicken-smelling charm. Grimace is an evil mastermind. The leaning tower of Eiffel wasn’t always leaning, if you catch my drift. But it’s his dangerous side that makes the sex so exciting, and his physique is to die for.

Plus, Grimace has a sweet ride.

However, Grimace is wildly unhealthy. I mean, just look at him. He has pancake lungs. Anyone with a chocolate shake for a heart is definitely at risk for a heart attack during intercourse. Having him die on top of you while you’re getting it on could suffocate you given how much he weighs (all muscle, of course).

The Hamburglar

The Hamburglar, on the other hand, does not have pancake lungs. He just has regular lungy lungs. He also has an endless supply of hamburger neckties, and he wears a cape. Bonus: you’ll never have to go hungry with his endless supply of stolen hamburgers.

On the other hand, the Hamburglar is a kleptomaniac. He steals burgers. Gross. Having him caress you with grease-covered gloves might seem like a good scene for a porno, but in real life, I doubt it’s that appealing. But you can see for yourself.

The Hamburglar is also a one-toothed ginger, so unless you’re into one-toothed gingers, maybe you shouldn’t get with a one-toothed ginger. I’m just sayin’.

So who is hotter? Both Grimace and the Hamburglar are as sexy as Antonio Banderas in Flashdance. I mean, when Antonio Banderas is doing the dance and then the water comes down and he gets all wet… Wow. Anyway, the final verdict of this battle of the bods is…

Neither Grimace nor the Hamburglar is hotter. Just run off with this guy. He’s like a black McDonald’s Santa. Who could ask for more?

PS: If you want to see some interesting McDonald’s-themed pictures like The Usual Suspects parody, look here.


2 responses

  1. Grimace DOES have a sweet ride! I’m officially jealous.

    January 19, 2011 at 8:50 pm

  2. mayor mccheese

    this is beautifully written and i feel that my life is now complete after reading this. u are my messiah and i will forever love u

    August 7, 2018 at 2:07 pm

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