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Your Christmas List for People You’re Obligated to Love

Black Friday was a couple of weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean America isn’t still in a fight-to-the-death mindset when it comes to holiday shopping. It’s dangerous out there, and unless you’re equipped with a thousand tranquilizer darts and copies of O Magazine to take on the housewives, your life could be in danger. It seems grim, but there’s good news. I’ve compiled a list of gadgets and gobbledygook for everyone on your Christmas list that you can order online, so you don’t have to risk your life in the midst of holiday shopper crowds.

Men: Shopping for dads, uncles, and husbands can be a tough task, but Gillette’s “Holiday Edition” Razor, or the Ultimate Man Razor, is the perfect present for any male or bearded female on your Christmas list. The Ultimate Man Razor comes equipped with 700 blades, for a dangerously close shave. That special man in your life can feel the thrill of near-decapitation every morning for the low payment of $59.99. Available at sweden.com or the black market.

All ages!

Boring Bookworm: Everyone knows that one person who loves to read, but never reads anything interesting. For this snoozefest of a person, I recommend Going Rogue: An American Life by Sarah Palin. Available here for $6.00 or anywhere tampons are sold.

You have a lackluster personality!

Cranky Mother-in-Law: She’s lean, mean, and constantly in your face. While you desperately want to give her that self-help book you found called Stop Being Such a Bitch, you know that a gift of that sort probably won’t help your relationship with her. So instead of stuffing her stocking with grenades or using your husband’s Ultimate Man Razor on her neck while she’s sleeping, try something more subtle, like a gift basket filled with passive-agressive items like anti-wrinkle cream, a size XXL sweater, some form of decorative cat-themed pillow, and Life Alert.

You’re old!

Emo Kid: Whether it’s your nephew, your friend, or your cousin, everyone has that special faux-masochist in their life. To show them how supportive you are of their battle against fake depression, give them this:

I support your whining!

Available at The Museum of Unnatural History.

Man Whore: Nothing says “slow down, Slut” like giving your promiscuous male friend a copy of Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth.

Wholesome family fun!

Morbidly Obese Acquaintance: Morbidly obese people love food, so why not get them a gift that lets them be food? This turkey hat looks so tasty, they’ll try to eat themselves! Knit it for them here.

If only it was deep-fried!

Annoying Scholar: What could be a better gift for that holier-than-though, high-IQ-toting friend than this decorative Big Fly on a Pumpkin statue? Not only will they appreciate your taste in modern art, but they’ll be so busy analyzing it that they won’t talk to you for hours!

I wish we weren’t friends!

Chauvinist Redneck: It’s a well known fact that chauvinists love hunting, and hunters love to use dead animals as home décor. Win over the chauvinistic man in your life with this Grizzly Bear Chair:

This should serve as some kind of sign that you have a mental problem!

Available in 1865.

That One Relative That Goes on a Lot of Adventurous Vacations and Also Loves Soup: This:

I love you, but partially wish that we weren’t related!

Available at The Museum of Unnatural History.

So there you have it, folks. Top-notch gifts for the whole family. Happy Shopping!

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