Hoarding Hoarders That Hoard

There’s an epidemic sweeping the nation. Hoarders.

Okay, so hoarders have been around for forever, but it’s only in the last couple years that they’ve invaded the public eye, bringing their bags of garbage and dead cats with them. We have all different sorts of hoarding shows that are actually all the same: “Help! I’m a Hoarder”, “Hoarding: Buried Alive”, “I’m Pregnant and a Hoarder”, and of course, “Hoarders”.

Basically, all the shows go like this:

PART 1: Mr. or Mrs. Stinkytrashhouse is a Hoarder. They’re about to go to jail and/or their house is about to be repossessed ’cause they stuffed their house with junk like a Thanksgiving turkey.

PART 2: Angsty Child or Friend of Stinkytrashhouse enters and talks about the anger and distress they feel because Stinkytrashhouse won’t get rid of anything. They say they’ve tried to help Stinkytrashhouse again and again, but Stinkytrashhouse is blind to the dirty chaos consuming their home. Stinkytrashhouse prefers to bathe in garbage juice, especially since their plumbing got cut off years ago.

PART 3: A Professional Organizer and/or Therapist comes and tries to help Stinkytrashhouse sort through their humongous piles of rotting possessions. Stinkytrashhouse wants to keep everything, even that pile of cat poop, because that cat poop was really important to them at one point in their life. That cat poop saved their life or cared for them when they were young or something.

Oh Cat Poop, I’ll never let you go!

PART 4: A professional Cleaning Crew comes in, tells the camera that the house smells like ass, and discovers 13,000 dead cats. They explain the cats either
A) Died by being crushed by a pile of clutter,
B) Died by being eaten by their fellow cats,
C) Died by being crushed by a pile of cat poop.
Don’t get me wrong, innocent kitties dying is very sad. After the 100th one, though, the sad feeling starts to wear off and you’re just left hating the Hoarder. On the plus side, you can get a beautiful, bleeding piece of jewelry made from the cats’ skulls.

PART 5: The house gets cleaned, no thanks to Stinkytrashhouse.

PART 6: Fade to black. Dramatic music. Then the camera crew comes back a while later and sees if Stinkytrashhouse is still a Hoarder. Sometimes they aren’t, but usually they’re still making weekly shopping trips to the local dump.

Great programming, America.

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