Shit My Dad Says
In the spirit of the popular twitter feed whose name I ripped off of when creating my blog, I thought I’d provide you with some phrases from my very own dear ol’ dad. Here’s a small dictionary of his phrases:
“German Abortion”: One’s wife’s dying Mercedes convertible.
“The Slime That Slime Would Spit On”: An asshole who drives recklessly or cuts one off in rush hour traffic.
Used in a sentence: “You’re slime! No, you’re the slime that slime would spit on!”
“D-E-D Dead”: The traditional meaning of the word “dead”, but spelled aloud incorrectly.
“Retard School”: An imaginary school where stupid people go and are treated like those with intellectual disabilities. In this school, the students are required to wear helmets at all times.
“Like a Kenyan”: A term used to torment one’s daughter while she is running.
Used in a sentence: “You’ve got to go so fast your feet don’t touch the ground, like a Kenyan! Barely touch the balls of your feet to the ground, like a Kenyan!”
“Oh Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy”: An expression similar to “oh my” or “oh my goodness”.
“I Got the Cancer” (pronounced “I got the kan-swa”): A daily, ritualistic phrase muttered to oneself, then proclaimed loudly to others. Used to denote a serious disease one does not actually have, but one is convinced they are ill from cancer of some body part or another. What type of cancer is often irrelevant since “cancer”, in this case, often refers to simultaneously having all possible forms of cancer at once.
“Fuckin’ Idiot” (see also, “Fuckin’ Retard”): A term of endearment.
“Southlake Bitch”: A woman from Southlake, Texas, with bleach-blonde hair and giant breast implants who drives a white Tahoe. This term is not exclusive to one person; there are multiple Southlake Bitches in this world.