Leprosy was a serious disease in Biblical times. Leopards are animals so fast they can hunt down your children from three continents away. Jeopardy is a crappy old game show so boring it can kill you in your sleep.

But today, I’m going to talk about something very serious: OWN.

OWN is the new Oprah Winfrey Network. You may remember my Friday the 13th post about the end of Oprah’s television series, a cause for celebration and fear.

This is worse. Oprah went from screen-hogging whore to network executive. I cannot stress enough how terrifying this is.

OWN will likely cause seven times Al Gore’s predicted effects of global warming. OWN will unleash modern Biblical plagues.* OWN will kill more children than leopards, bore you more than Jeopardy, and be even more of an epidemic than leprosy.

You’ve been warned.

*Modern Biblical plagues include abdominal swelling, nausea, fatigue, weight loss, weight gain, diarrhea, dizziness, memory loss, menstrual bleeding, anal seepage, and headaches. Contact your doctor if your depression worsens or you experience thoughts of suicide.


2 responses

  1. Some kid I know said Oprah was going to be the first woman president…god I hope not.

    September 13, 2010 at 2:28 pm

  2. You have just verbalized all of my deepest fears

    September 14, 2010 at 1:46 pm

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