At 7:00 a.m., You’re Up to No Good
You know how naggy moms tell you to be home by midnight, because nothing good happens after 12:00 a.m.? Well, I disagree with that entirely.
Plenty of great things happen after 12. Sex, drugs, alcohol, late-night burritos and burgers– All these things are very healthy. What you really need to watch out for is what goes on past 7 a.m. No good happens between the hours of 7:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Here’s why:
1. Old People: South Park’s episode of “Grey Dawn” has already accurately depicted the massive manslaughter that can occur if too many elderly folks are out driving, but I really feel that I should remind you how dangerous old people are behind the wheel. They’re weak, short, deaf, pretty damn blind, and constantly bickering with whoever they’re with, which distracts them from focusing all the attention they have left on not hitting and killing people. When are old people most likely to be driving? That’s right, early in the morning. All kinds of second-rate restaurants offer early bird specials, and the coupon-clipping old birds are flocking to them to take advantage of this. It’s awful, but who can stop it? The government? No. The whole idea of the early bird special is actually a conspiracy thought up by the government to control the ever-growing population. Think about it. No one’s going to arrest an old person for hit-and-run murder because they’re so old they’re going to die soon anyway. What’s the point of them dying in jail? Then the government is responsible for their body. So, whatever unfortunate young person that happens to be out for a 7 a.m. jog gets mowed down by an old woman who mistakes the rearview mirror for the front windshield. The government managed to pull off this clever scheme by giving covert wads of money to restaurants willing to provide early bird specials. I mean, what do you think Cash for Clunkers was for? Cars? Psh, yeah, that’s what they want you to think.
2. Rush Hour Traffic: Rush hour traffic sucks, period. When is it at its worst? 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m.
3. School Buses: These yellow-orange annoyances full of agitating children are out before rush hour even starts, which is terrifying in and of itself. But aside from that, they go painfully slow and stop at every damn train track ever built. If you don’t live by train tracks, you probably don’t know how frustrating it is. They sit there at the tracks for 10 minutes “listening” for a train, because the red lights that flash to warn them and the guard rails that come down and the train’s honking horn aren’t reasons enough to be certain whether or not a train is near. School buses also stop periodically to load and unload children, a process that seems to get lengthier with every child they pick up. Getting stuck behind a school bus blows, and the bus drivers never let you pass them, for safety or something. Like hitting a kid ever hurt anybody. Whatever.
4. Donuts: Donuts are really bad for you. When are they available? Generally, 5:00 a.m. to noon. It’s easy to get drawn in by their scent, since the bakers position large fans at just the right angle to blow the donuts’ fragrance right into your car. Plus, there are tons of donut shops everywhere, so just seeing one can trigger the need for donut feed. Or, one day, you wake up innocently, only to be bombarded with a donut craving in the shower. Nowhere is safe from donuts, not even your mind, until the clock strikes 12:00 p.m. and donuts are no longer for sale.
5. That Groggy Early Morning Feeling: It stinks like donuts after 2:00 p.m. However, it can be beaten. If you don’t wake up in the morning, it can’t happen to you. You can’t feel groggy and early-morningy if you’re not awake in the morning. It’s impossible.
So, I encourage you all to sleep in ’til noon. It’s for your own good.