This Thing (see: above)—Made in the 80s, of course. But even with the outlandish things that decade provided, this is too creepy even for Madonna or 80s Ozzie. Cereal on ice cream tastes good and all, but freeze-dried “ice cream” chunks in cereal? Served by a poor soul who got abducted by aliens, probed and prodded, and sent back to Earth in an experimental ice cream cone body wearing a suit with Cheerio eyes? And he has a chip on his/its shoulder from having his human body stolen by aliens? So he’s on a killing spree by poisoning people with his cereal? No thanks. Why would he decide to poison people with his ice cream brethren, anyway? Then again, this mascot was brought to us by Kellogg, the folks who inexplicably gave us a chicken mascot for corn flakes. Also, the cereal’s name is “Kream Krunch”, which doesn’t bring to mind any sexual innuendos whatsoever.
Anything on a Cereal Box in Aldi—Have you ever been in this discount grocery store? Have you seen their cereal boxes? The cereal mascots are pants-wetting terrifying. Even worse than the “Kream Krunch” man.
The Ascot Mascot—This is a mascot I made up because those words rhyme. But just think about a football team that had a giant neckerchief as a mascot. Sheer horror of the confusion variety should come to mind.
Hello Kitty—I don’t know if Hello Kitty counts as a mascot, but she made it onto the list by being f-ing annoying. It’s creepy when people over the age of 16 wear Hello Kitty. Neiman Marcus sells diamond Hello Kitty jewelry, probably because it’s a really good idea to pay thousands of dollars for something that looks like you bought it at Claire’s. But also because apparently older women feel the need to cling to their youth by digressing their wardrobes to those of four-year-olds.
The Burger King—I’m sure Burger King’s ad campaign featuring “The King” is intentionally terrifying, but I’m not sure how much of that terror is intentional. My fear comes from looking into The King’s the soulless eyes. I can’t sleep after seeing one of those commercials.
Quizno’s Sponge Monkeys—You remember seeing these ads a few years back and feeling feces inadvertently explode from your bowels. What you don’t know is that these rodent-puppet-googlyeyed-fuzzball-bat-poop nightmares have subconsciously been in your brain ever since that fateful day when you saw a Quizno’s commercial and decided you could never eat there again (which really goes against the purpose of an ad campaign), and they’ve been responsible for every bad experience you’ve had thus far. Unfortunately, there is no cure for SpongeMonkeyBrainInfestation. You just have to live with those creepy hairy things bouncing around in your skull, waiting for the day you could drop dead for seemingly inexplicable reasons.
Tee Man—See the picture featured below. While the concept of a golf tee mascot that doubles as a giant dildo has to be brilliant in some vein, I can’t help but feel like there isn’t a huge audience for this sort of thing.