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OPRAH WILL KILL US ALL

As we all know, or rather, as all we surface-dwellers know (no offense, Underground Sewage Society, but you’re pretty disgusting), today is Friday the 13th. In honor of my favorite holiday—because as far as I’m concerned, it is a motherf*cking holiday, motherf*ckers—I am going to discuss the most terrifying thing threatening our planet right now: the last season of Oprah.

Oprah is a disgusting, gelatinous monster that made the poor decision to adopt a fairly gelatinous human form. After rising up from the Underground Sewage Society in her gooey human body, she played the race card and the gender card until she reached the peak of Underground Sewage Society Racket: daytime television.

Her show is so mind-numbingly terrible that, like a drug, the world of stay-at-home-moms has become dependant on it. Ever since that fateful day when she race-carded and gender-carded her way to the top of the USSR, housewives everywhere have slowly been brainwashed by her. They don’t know why they need her; they just do. Hence, she is a drug so discreetly potent no urine test can detect it.

No one knows how The Oprah managed to liquefy the intelligence of so many housewives. Maybe it was the constant tyranny of seeing her face on O magazines, maybe it was the fact that her show drew people in with an interesting topic, only to let them down when it was revealed that the segment was, in reality, chillingly boring. At this point, it is irrelevant. Once her show ends, the army of Oprah-worshipping housewives will feel empty inside. Then they will go on a killing spree.

If you’re wondering how housewives feeling empty inside leads to them mass murdering people, then clearly you’re too stupid to connect point A to point B, and I don’t have to explain myself to you. You’re not the boss of me.

Anyway, while The Oprah has done good things for people, she’s also done some pretty ridiculous things, like flying her dog first class to her Colorado home without her (don’t ask me how I know that, but I do know it’s true). Plus, I know someone who met her, and according to them, she’s a total bitch behind closed doors. No, I haven’t met her, so I don’t know that for a fact, but come on, it just seems so obvious. So with her ridiculousness and bitchiness filling the minds of empty-hearted housewives, we are all in danger.

I urge you to contact a housewife you know and show them this video. I don’t know who made it, but they should be president, even if they misspelled “horrible” with “horibal”.

The last season of Oprah starts September 13th, one month from today. The exact method and date of the housewives’ horibal slaughtering spree is still unclear, but time is of the essence. Don’t let your triskaidekaphobia get the best of you. Go out and start stocking up on machetes, ice picks, and hockey masks for self-protection.

We don’t have much time.

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