Worst Things for Sale at Hot Topic

Star Socks– Oh boy! I love the greasy, tasteless food at Carl’s Junior. I’m so glad I can wear the Carl’s Junior Star on my feet now!

Brass Knuckles Backpack– I highly suggest walking through a dark alley in the bad part of town while wearing this brass knuckles-patterned backpack. It just screams, “Fight me, I’m a badass.”

Twilight “Team Jacob” Band-Aids– Good, just in time to mend the wounds from all that rough sex adolescent teens are having with werewolves. Oh wait… werewolves don’t exist. No werewolf werewounds, no need for wereband-aids.

Reptar Suspenders– Look, I was probably the biggest Rugrats fan of all when I was a kid, I mean, I think I had like four Rugrats-themed birthday parties, but I wouldn’t wear these. Would you wear a giant styrofoam Tommy Pickles on your head in public? Well, that’s basically what you’re doing if you wear these suspenders.

Aquaman Action Figure– Hottopic.com has action figures under the accessories tab. Since when are action figures accessories? Since when does Aquaman even qualify as a legitimate superhero? I wouldn’t carry him around. With that color scheme, he’d clash with my shoes.

Bob Marley Baby Onesie—Legalize! Yeeaaaah! I’m so psyched to take my 9-month-old to the next Marleyfest.

Friendship Bracelet– If you have to buy a friendship bracelet, you need to reexamine your life.

Tru Blood Drinks—You know that awesome taste you get in your mouth when you haven’t flossed in a while, then you floss and you taste metal? I’m so glad a retail chain is encouraging us to purposely taste that.

Americana Bandana—Sweet. This patriotic bandana will go great with my Iron Maiden t-shirt and Reptar suspenders.

Bella T-Shirt—I don’t know who the deformed, Goonie-faced chick on the t-shirt is, but she sure doesn’t look like Kristin Stewart. Kristin Stewart can’t hold a candle to her beauty.

Plaid Mini Skirt—I’m all for whoring it up every once in a while, or multiple times in a while, but come on. This hardly qualifies as a tissue, let alone a skirt.

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5 responses

  1. Lauren N

    The TrueBlood drink is really good. Have you had it? It’s like a bloodorange soda.

    August 12, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    • No, I haven’t, I just don’t really like the idea of drinking blood, real or fake. I have had blood orange soda, though, and that’s yummy 🙂 and I rationalize this by… ummm…

      August 13, 2010 at 9:43 am

  2. Kinsey

    The friendship bracelet is just really sad for two reasons: You’re too lazy to make it. You’ve never had a 10 year-old girl for a best friend and you want to make believe that someone is your friend.

    August 13, 2010 at 8:08 am

  3. Funny stuff!
    -Josh

    August 15, 2010 at 12:33 am

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