I guess it all started when I got caught photocopying letters of recommendation. I mean, it’s not like they weren’t legit, they were real, but there were only two of them, one copy of each, and I was applying for like four different jobs that all required at least two letters of recommendation. It’s not like I had a lot of options, I’ve never been an MVP or brownnoser, so I only had those two precious letters from the local Sub Hub manager and my sympathetic fifth grade math teacher. Maybe the real trouble started when I sold the extra copies, then wrote fake ones and sold them to random people I met through Led. You know Led, right? The seedy guy who hangs around the back of the Piggly Wiggly and sells thirteen-year-olds bad weed? A couple years ago, when I was an assistant garbage man, I caught him in the middle of a deal and promised not to narc on him. It wasn’t like I wanted to protect him or anything, I just didn’t care, but he was so grateful he stalked through a thrown-out phone book and looked up my number and declared us best friends. Anyway, these random people who were as pathetic and desperate as I was were hounding me for letters of recommendation, so I did it. Made myself a nice little profit, too. The forged recommendation letter business was good. I put my phone number on the bottom, made up some fake name and title and bullshit about some company that didn’t exist. Then I’d write the letter about how Mr. _______ was a great employee and I was sad when he quit because he was destined for bigger things and blah blah blah. But then word got around that there was some guy faking recommendation letters, because even though I used a lot of different fake names, my phone number never changed, you know, so potential bosses reading the letter could call me and I could lie about how so-and-so was a good worker and the letter-reader could validate that I was a real person, and yes, PancakeLegoTronics was a real company, etc. But somebody connected the dots and noticed the same phone number was listed for Hymn Prayerer and Sylvester Stump, and come to think of it, Sylvester Stump just sounded like a fake name. I mean, I never said I was trying to be discreet about this stuff. In retrospect, though, maybe my names were a little outrageous and if I’d laid low I wouldn’t have been arrested for identity theft, because, as it turns out, Jesus Cross is actually a real guy, a big Mexican dude with deep pockets and a bad temper, and he sued my ass and got me incarcerated.
So, yeah. That’s why I have a so-called “criminal” background. So do I get the job?