Should Stephanie Meyer Be Allowed to Not Be Assassinated?
I have broken it down into two categories: Reasons Why Stephanie Meyer Should Be Assassinated and Reasons Why Stephanie Meyer Should Not Be Assassinated.
Reasons Why Stephanie Meyer Should Be Assassinated:
1. Vampires Suck: This movie looks like the worst thing since Birdemic*. Why does it exist? Because Twilight exists. Therefore Stephanie Meyer is responsible for it.
2. Nordstrom: I no longer have any respect for Nordstrom’s juniors department. All the clothes are now Twilight-themed thanks to Meyer’s horrendous book, and if that wasn’t disturbing enough, they also sell life-size cardboard cut-outs of Twilight characters, which you can buy here. Times are tough, though, so I recommend pinching a few pennies by cutting your own firewood.
3. Team Edward vs. Team Jacob: If you want to be on a team, go sign up for debate or baseball. Volunteer. Play Pictionary. Do anything other than sit in your room in the dark, watching Twilight for the millionth time and crying into the fake-blood energy drink you got from Hot Topic because Robert Pattinson doesn’t know you exist. I mean, Geez, the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts are worse than generic Abercrombie sports team t-shirts, like the ones that have “A&F Basketball” on the front and a number on the back. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A T-SHIRT AND WRITE FAN FICTION DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ON A TEAM OF ANY KIND. Granted, Meyer didn’t create the teeming-with-teams fad, but it’s her stupid series that fueled it.
4. Bella– the boring, idiotic, plain-looking, lackluster, personalityless “main character”– is based off of Meyer herself. Bella is awful and should be dead, so if she’s basically the same person as Meyer, Meyer should be dead too.
Reasons Why Stephanie Meyer Should Not Be Assassinated:
1. Because of Meyer’s angsty book, people have created some damn creepy-but-funny Twilight products, and reading April Winchell lampoon them on Regretsy is way too much fun.
2. Murder is technically illegal.
3. Hit men are expensive.
4. Insert your own justification here, because I can’t think of another reason.
So, the choice is yours. Are you Team Assassination or Team IGuessWeCanLetHerLive?
*The saddest thing about Birdemic is that it is, in fact, not a joke.