The Top 7 Things Wrong with the ABC Family Channel
7. The Plethora of Made-For-TV “ABC Family Original” Movies: Weighed against such gems as Revenge of the Bridesmaids, Pizza My Heart, and Karate Dog, Lindsay Lohan’s Labor Pains could actually be considered a good film. Except not.
6. The Secret Life of the American Teenager: Their lives are so secret that everyone knows everyone else’s secrets. Barely attractive, terrifyingly horrendous actors pretend to sleep around. Everyone is pregnant, including that one guy who looks oh so much like a girl. In fact, most of the stars look like they used to be the opposite gender of what they are allegedly now. I vote a title change to “The Secret Life of the American Tranny”.
5. Pretty Little Liars: I’ll shamefully admit that I am addicted to this show and the only reason it’s on this list is because I feel inferior to the beautiful PLL cast. The show is completely over the top, but deliciously so. My only real complaint is that whoever plays Toby Cavanaugh is U-G-L-Y with no alibi. The show is called Pretty Little Liars, not People-Whose-Faces-Got-Into-A-Tragic-Lawnmower-Accident Little Liars.
4. Daytime Re-runs of Sabrina the Teenage Witch: When I was in middle school I liked this show, but it was easy to outgrow. While Salem’s constant jarring transitions from dingy puppet to real cat to dingy puppet again are wonderfully kitsch, they’re also nasuea-inducing in non-tiny amounts. This show should have stopped being aired on television long before 2000. It ran from 1996-2003, three years too long. Then ABC Family generously aired the episodes for the rest of forever, cursing sick children staying home from school everywhere. Granted, it’s better than watching infomercials for Bare Minerals all day, even if Salem’s puppet looks suspiciously taxidermic.
3. Huge: While the romance between not-nearly-fat-enough-for-fat-camp Amber and Donald-Trump-haired George is endearing in a pedophilic way, it’s not enough to keep the whole show from being a total snoozefest. I think the best thing to do is to toss Huge aside and make a spinoff all about Amber, George, and star-crossed pedophilia.
2. Viagra, Enzyte, and Cialis commercials aired during The 700 Club: Because no one wants to picture their grandparents gettin’ it on to Pat Robertson.
1. The 700 Club: Self-explanatory.