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You’re Cut Off

From left to right: Pam, Jessica, Jaqueline, Gia, Amber, Courtnee, Leanne, Erica, Chrissy

Hi, I’m Sara, and I’m a VH1 reality show addict.

My latest shameful addiction is/was You’re Cut Off, the show where actresses desperate for a big break—I mean, girls who can’t control their spending—are “fooled” into living in a middle class house with boring/ugly décor and be all normal and stuff.

The Cast:

Erica: A Barbie who somehow came to life and escaped the Mattel factory despite her enormous breasts weighing her down. People think she’s dumb, but they don’t know the whole story. She acts like an airhead to avoid revealing top secret Mattel information and being hunted down by zombie Ruth Handler’s army, the Masters of the Universe.

Gia: A hookah junkie who won’t change her own daughter’s diapers. Her clothes are allegedly expensive, but it looks like she grabbed them out of the $3 bin at L’Patricia.

Jaqueline: Likeable, but a little ugly, so she’ll never really make it in the music industry, which she obviously went on the show for. Her voice isn’t good enough to make her some kind of Susan Boyle, either. Sorry, Jackie. Maybe you should try becoming a professional Bikini Blast workout trainer, even though your patented Bikini Blast workout, which must be done in stilettos, is only 20% likely to get you in shape as opposed to the whopping 80% chance of spraining your ankle.

Pam: Pam “works” on “Wall Street”, doing a job she cannot label. It’s cool, Pam. We get it. We’ll also get it from you regularly with the right dollar amount and “Wall Street” hotel.

Amber: Who?

Leanne: At the risk of sounding cruel, Leanne is one of the trashiest looking women I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Brett Michaels. Leanne’s outfits must come from the same bargain bin as Gia’s. There is no way in hell those clothes were designer labels or rabies-free. She claims that she carries an Alexander McQueen handbag. I love Alexander McQueen, but if that’s true, she managed to find the one ugly thing that label produced and ruin my love for it.

Jessica: Proof that evolution is real. Finally, the missing link between man and ape appears on television. She/he/it is short and apelike in appearance, as well as apelike in other aspects of its nature—utterly inept at completing basic human tasks, prone to extreme anger with little to no provocation, and obsessed with tanning. Yet she/he/it is also somewhat human in nature—wearing clothes, speaking English, and nightly drinking twice its weight in boxed wine. Indeed, Jessica is a fascinating scientific discovery that will leave the world baffled for years.

Courtnee: Talk about a beautiful girl. Seriously, she’s really pretty. Apparently she’s a model or something? She should be a model, but going on a VH1 reality show to promote a modeling career is one step above “modeling” porn.

The Castmate Formerly Known As Chrissy: EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EWWWW

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