Because I was the sexiest man alive, I managed to knock myself out twice in one day, and because I did this, I couldn’t drive. I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up while I watched everyone else in my class leave in their cars. Just call me Captain Lady-Killer. No… the ‘captain’ made me seem like a murderer instead of a sarcastic, self-deprecating dork.
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April 14, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, awkward, Best of Both Worlds, boots, car, Cavan, cell phones, dress, fiction, girls, Hannah Montana, high school, I Punched a Girl, kids, lace, Lissie, love, mom, Part IX, phones, romance, sex, Shelby, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, short story, Skanz, students, walk, YouTube | 2 Comments »
This season of Parks and Recreation has brought us many adorable, sexy, and romantic character relationships. Andy and April, Ann and Chris, and lastly, the most obvious one…
…Tom and DJ Roomba.
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March 28, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: Adam Scott, Amy Poehler, Andy and April, Ann and Chris, Ann Perkins, Aubrey Plaza, Aziz Ansari, Ben and Leslie, Ben Wyatt, Benslie, camping, Chris Pratt, DJ Roomba, fan, fan fiction, ice cream, Leslie Knope, love, NBC, Parks and Rec, Parks and Recreation, Rashida Jones, Rob Lowe, romance, shipping, sitcom, sky mall, tent, Tom and DJ Roomba, Tom Haverford, Toomba, TV | 1 Comment »
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
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February 20, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: class, crush, dick, dildo, dildos, douche, fear, high school, I Punched a Girl, jocks, laugh, locker, locker penis, love, penis, pre-cal, romance, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, Verne Troyer, vibrator | 1 Comment »
I gulped so intensely I knew she could hear it. Stupid Adam’s apple.
“Hhhheh,” I croaked. That was loser for “hi”.
“Hi, Cavan,” she said. “I—”
“Shelby! What happened to your nose?” Emilio asked.
“Cavan punched her,” Andy said, French fries dropping out of his mouth.
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February 16, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Aliens, Andy Summers, awkward, best friends, Cavan, class, Dear Abby, embarrassment, Facebook, fear, gay, hair, high school, I Punched a Girl, I Punched a Girl: Part VII, jokes, Just Like Heaven, Loch Ness Monster, love story, reasons why I'm gay, romance, romantic comedy, Ryan Sheckler, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, skateboarding, TV, YouTube | Leave A Comment »
This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.
Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):
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February 13, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Holidays, Humor, Internet, Pop Culture, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: $13000 watch, amusement, army, bf, bikini, Blockbuster, book, break up, Breaking the Waves, butts, canoe, canoeing, canoeing in cold weather, casual sex, cats, celebrate, celebration, church, cold weather, comedy, condom, couples, crazy, Dancer in the Dark, dancing, dating, death in seven days, depressing movies, doll collection, doll head collection, ex, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, expensive clothes, Facebook, Facebook profile, family friendly, Feb 14, February 14, feces, four wheelers, freak, friends, fun, fun things to do, funny, garden gnomes, getting dumped, getting laid on Valentine's Day, gf, gnomes, Go Taco Bell Surfing, gun, hairy, Have a Romantic Comedy Movie Marathon, Hit Up a Nightclub, Home Depot, homemade, horny, Hotel Rwanda, locker room, mall, mashed potatoes, mate, mattresses with human hair, meat filler, men, Million Dollar Baby, mom, neighborhood, night club, nonmeat, overweight, paint, paint the town red, paint trees, parking lot, personal problems, pigeon poop, pigeons, pool, poor people, potatoes, preschooler, public swimming pool, rat poison, Read a Where’s Waldo Book While Steering a Canoe in a Public Swimming Pool, red paint, romance, romantic comedies, romantic movies, Run Over Potatoes with a Four-Wheeler in a Church Parking Lot, SAD, school, Send Your Ex Supportive Facebook Messages, Seven Pounds, single, Singles Awareness Day, small children, social, socialize, Sophie’s Choice, speeding, strangers, stray cats, surfing, swim, swimming, Taco Bell, tacos, teens, Thanksgiving, The Fly, Tie Garden Gnomes on Local Stray Cats’ Backs, towel, town, Valentine's Day, Walk Alone in a Bad Neighborhood, walking along at night, walking through a bad neighborhood, watch you sleep, wet, wet towel, Where's Waldo, Whip Prospective Mates’ Butts with a Wet Towel, X games | Leave A Comment »
After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.
“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.
See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.
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February 5, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, blonde, broken nose, brunette, Cavan, cheerleaders, chicken spaghetti, chocolate milk, Emilio, fiction, fourth period, french fries, high school, Hispanic, I Punched a Girl, Latino, love, lunch, pun, punch, Rice Kristies, romance, school cafeteria, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, shitmycakesays, spelling, talking with mouth full | Leave A Comment »
“Bye, Sweetie!” my mom cried over my sister’s Miley Cyrus music as I stepped out of her car. Then she drove away to drop my sister off at her school.
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February 3, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Wellness, WTF | Tags: Aliens, Andy, bandage, boy, broken nose, Cavan, girl, high school, High School Musical 3, hit, I Punched a Girl, little sister, lockers, Miley Cyrus, mom, Music, punch, puppy love, romance, Scientology, sex, Shelby Waters, Todd, Tom Cruise | Leave A Comment »
“How does someone even get knocked out twice in one day?” I heard Andy ask. Everything was black. I couldn’t see.
“I can’t see!” I wailed.
“Open your eyes, dumbass,” Andy said.
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January 10, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized | Tags: Andy, bed, broken nose, Cavan, concussion, dinner, doctor, embarrassment, family, fiction, friend, health, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, knock out, mom, mommy, relationship, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, sleep, surgery | Leave A Comment »
This is the part where I got a concussion. If Shelby didn’t think I was a total freak already, this definitely sealed the deal.
“Sir?”
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January 4, 2011 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, Health, High School, Humor, Love, Romance, Uncategorized, WTF | Tags: Andy, barf, blood, bloody, boy, broken nose, Cavan, comedy, concussion, ear, face, girl, high school, Hispanic, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, lobby, love, puke, punch, ringing, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, vomit | Leave A Comment »
After a car ride engulfed in awkwardness, we pulled into St. Bartholomew’s Hospital of Beaver Falls, PA.
When Shelby had asked if we could listen to some music, I’d attempted the whole cliché as-she-reaches-for-the-radio-my-hand-will-brush-hers thing. Unfortunately, when we both reached for the radio, I stopped paying attention to the road and swerved into oncoming traffic.
Blasting car horns on all sides sounded as a sky blue Mercedes barely missed us. My tires screeched as I swerved us back into the right lane. Shelby looked like a scared rabbit, wide eyes and flared nostrils. When I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror, I looked like an even more scared rabbit.
“Whoops,” I said, trying to play if off like it was nothing, but I felt like she could hear me sweating.
She shot me a terrified glance, then turned on the radio.
“Trying to be my best, when I fall, it’s a mess!” screeched through my shoddy speakers.
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December 3, 2010 | Categories: Awkward, Bored, Comedy, Fiction, High School, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, Romance | Tags: awkward, bloody nose, car crash, Cavan, concussion, fiction, Hannah Montana, high school, hospital, I Punched a Girl, janitor, love, Miley Cyrus, part 2, pop star, puke, radio, romance, Shelby Waters, shit my cake says, short story, vomit, zombie | Leave A Comment »
I woke up in a cold sweat with bloodshot eyes. My mouth felt dry, but I couldn’t get up to get a drink. I’d also been using so much in the past 24 hours that I’d forgotten where my fridge was.
But I didn’t care about any of that. I had to have more.
More Korean soap operas.
It all started when, for whatever unknown reason, Hulu recommended that I watch Personal Taste.
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November 1, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Comedy, Humor, Love, Pop Culture, TV, Uncategorized | Tags: 16, 25, addiction, Boys Before Flowers, Boys Over Flowers, Chang Ruhyl, Chu Ga Eul, crack, cry, DAAM, Design and Arts Arcadia of Myungseung, disappointment, dramas, drugs, emotional, entertainment, Gaeinui Chwihyang, Geum Jan Di, Goo Hye Sun, Gu Jun Pyo, happy, Hulu, Jan Di, Jeon Jin Ho, K drama, Kim Bum, Kim Hyun Joong, Kim In Hee, Kim Joon, Kim So Eun, Korean, Lee Min Ho, love, MBC, Mischievous Kiss, Naughty Kiss, Park Gae In, Personal Preference, Personal Taste, Playful Kiss, romance, Seoul, sleep together, soap opera, Son Ye Jin, South Korea, tearjerker, tears, Wang Ji Hye, weather forecast. game over, Yoon Ji Hoo | 2 Comments »
I wrote this, most likely on some kind of sugar high the day before it was due, for part of a writing “packet” I had to turn in as my final when I took a creative writing class. It’s loaded with marching band references most people won’t understand, and if some people with marching band experience read this, they might not find it terribly accurate.
The bus pulled into the Canon ISD Stadium at 8:00 am for the Canon Marching Band Festival, but Mr. Avery wasn’t letting us get off yet. Most kids were asleep. Megan and Adair were sitting behind Chase and me. They were both listening to Megan’s pink iPod and they kept kicking the back of our seat to the beat. I knew they were listening to “Party in the USA” because I could hear it. I wished they would quit it; my back was staring to hurt.
“Miley Cyrus sucks,” I said.
“Yeah,” agreed Chase, “but she’s kinda hot.”
I frowned. To me, Miley Cyrus looked like she was ten. “Gross.”
“Charlie, did you just say Miley Cyrus was gross?” Megan gasped, poked her little black-haired head up over our seat and yanked the headphones out of her ears.
“What about Miley?” Adair shouted over the music only she could hear.
“Miley Cyrus is a famous singer and actress. She even has her own clothing line. I’m pretty sure that makes her cooler than you two losers.” Megan stuck out her tongue at us through her purplish lips.
“Not for long!” Chase got excited. “Not when our band gets discovered!”
It wasn’t much of a band. It was Chase, our Mexican pal, Ricky Martinez (Ricky Martin when we felt like being mean), and some guy named Jed he met at the bowling alley who was like thirty years old. One day Chase told me I was the manager and since then I’d been going to his house every Sunday night for band practice. So during every practice, I ate my weight in Cheetos while sitting on Chase’s couch and watching the band, or “Attack of the Weasels,” play Guitar Hero, the real instruments lying in the background untouched. I’d stopped going recently, though, because Jed was starting to creep me out. I thought he’d been going to Chase’s house to hit on his mom, but it was starting to seem like he was more interested in Chase.
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September 19, 2010 | Categories: Bored, Humor, Music, Time, Uncategorized | Tags: 10-5, 2009, 6 feet, 8-5, Adair, arcs, Attack of the Weasels, Avery, backward, band, band aids, band director, Band-Aides, bass, bees, black, bleachers, bowling alley, breathing, bus, canon, cape, Charlie, Chase, clarinet, clean, clothing, cold, competition, contest, cool whip, crush, cute, dress code, drum, drum corps, drum major, fat, finals, flute, formation, forward, freshman, friendship, frumpy, gold, gray, green, Greenville, guiding, guitar, guitar hero, gum, hair, hairnets, helmet, help, high school, iPod, ISD, Jason, Jed, junior, kicking, kids, King Midas, lifting, lines, loading crew, love, mac n cheese, macaroni and cheese, manager, marching, marching band, Megan, Miley Cyrus, morning, Music, parents, plume, prelims, Ricky Martin, rock band, romance, saxophone, school, seat, senior, shenanigans, short, slides, sophomore, spray cheese, stadium, state, superhero, Susan, tall, teacher, teenage, teenagers, trombone, trophies, trumpet, uniforms, Walmart, white | Leave A Comment »
