Candy Candy Candy
Oh my spiders, you guys. IT’S OCTOBER 1ST. You know what that means…
… Halloween candy! YAAAAAAAAAY!
Fact: Halloween is the best day of all the days. Candy is the best food of all the diabetes-causing foods. Central Market is the best store of all the grocery stores in Texas. Therefore it stands to reason that Halloween candy from Central Market is the best of all the everything.
It is my great pleasure to review Central Market’s seasonal candy collection, which is what I’m about to do, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
The Snookification
It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
On the Eighth Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…One Slutty Pumpkin!
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes, a Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
On the Seventh Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…Seven Weird-Ass Costumes! A Baby Doll Limb Coat Rack, Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll, Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Great boobs think alike.
On the Fifth Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…a Frankenstein-esque Homemade Sex Doll! Nine Slasher Cupcakes, a Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
May meets “To Catch a Predator”, in the worst way possible.
On the Fourth Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…Nine Slasher Cupcakes! A Baby Doll Centipede, Creepy Easter Bunny, and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
Finally, a reason to justify cannibalism.
On the Third Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…a Baby Doll Centipede! A Creepy Easter Bunny and Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
This one’s my favorite, but there are other versions, too:
On the Second Day of Halloween, My True Love Gave to Me…
…a Creepy Easter Bunny! And Human Body Part Candy Sushi.
He’s here to claim your eggs.
The 8 Days of Halloween
Christmas has 12 days. Halloween has only one. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? It definitely doesn’t, which is why I’m counting down to Halloween starting today.
On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me…
Human Body Part Candy Sushi!
Ew, I don’t want the nose one. Who wants to taste boogers in their cannibalism?
Most Disturbing “Sexy” Halloween Costume Concepts
Look, while I don’t participate in the trend, I know many girls use Halloween as an excuse to look like a cheap hooker. I’m okay with costumes like “Officer Naughty” and “Voluptuous Vampiress”. What bothers me are slutty costumes based on innocent childhood characters. C’mon, people. Let’s make Halloween more about cheap chainsaw chills and less about child molestation.
Girl Scout Troop Leader: ‘Scuse me, but when did “girl” suddenly mean “fully-developed woman with giant cans”? Girl scouts don’t wear platform pumps and a garter. Guys, I understand the appeal of a tight-fitting little ditty gracing your gal, but let’s move away from having her dressed as a tiny child selling cookies.
Adolfo de Jesus Constanzo: One Sick Freak
I love cults. Okay, maybe love is a bit of a strong word. Let’s call it morbid fascination. I have a morbid fascination with cults. Since I’m such a nut about cults, I’ve spent way too much time researching them, so I can assure you I know my stuff.
Cults are a fascinating part of history but aren’t covered in the classroom, so today I’m going to educate you about a personal favorite cult leader of mine, Adolfo de Jesus Constanzo.
Adolfo de Jesus Constanzo was a cult leader and serial killer who killed many people around the Texas-Mexico border, including a Texas college student, so as a Texas college student, naturally I feel he is the most (ir)relevant serial killer for you to learn about.
