I thought I posted this video I made back in May but I didn’t, and I want to for some reason even though I don’t really like it, so here it is. The May 2012 Bike Friendly Greenville Avenue ride around White Rock Lake in Dallas, TX.
I’ll be straight with you. This video is boring. How boring? Watch it and see (in 1080p). Considering all I had to work with was b-roll, crappy audio and a never-ending obsession with “Walkabout” (the song in the video), however, I’d say it could be a lot worse.
Originally, I posted the video on my sparse YouTube channel back in May, when it was appropriate to do so. Today, however, I noticed something distressing. I essentially made a typo, but video editing-style. What I mean is I made a few careless mistakes and didn’t double check the video upon exporting it. This could largely be chalked up to the fact that when I finished it, it was 5:00 in the morning and I was transitioning from drunk to hungover. Some of the images weren’t cropped correctly and didn’t line up with the framing, which left thin black lines at the sides of the screen in some places.
(Psst… watch this in HD for the highest low quality.)
This is a video collage of random beach-related YouTube vids that I threw together in a fan music video for Expwy.
His music makes me want to go to the beach… and ride a bike, I guess. I don’t even like the beach that much. Yeah, that’s how good this song is. Worth-getting-sand-up-your-ass good.
Okay, okay, the truth is I’ve been really beach-crazed this summer, like a baby-crazed woman on her 35th birthday who’s always wanted kids but doesn’t have any, only, y’know, with a beach.
I know. This is something we’re not supposed to admit. I say “we” because you do it too.
Cyber stalking. Cyberstalking. Is it one word or two? I’m going with one from here on out because… um… regardless:
Cyberstalking: America’s pastime (like it was ever really baseball anyway).
I used to think the biggest consequence of cyberstalking was being thought of as weird or creepy, or, more rarely, having the person you’re cyberstalking catch you in the act and having them ask, “Why is my name in your Google search bar?” and you’re like, “Uhhhhh I was just testing my search engine to make sure it worked” and they’re like, “I don’t believe you” and you’re like, “Well you shouldn’t be looking at my computer screen anyway” and they’re like, “That’s my computer and this is my house and how the hell did you get in here?!”
Ahem. Anyway, since I openly admit I am both weird and creepy, the stigma of cyberstalking someone (usually someone I’m attracted to) rarely keeps me from doing it. Not anymore though. Never again.
Or maybe always again.
That probably doesn’t make sense to you. Allow me to explain: (more…)
It’s Christmas time, so it only makes sense that I should write about last Halloween. Here’s a step-by-step guide of how to turn yourself into that herpes-infested pumpkin lady we all love to loathe so much.
There’s a new movie coming out that’s going to change your life more than any other movie you’ve ever seen ever in the entire world everywhere ever. It’s called Speak Jon Wilson and it’s amazing.
The only problem is that it’s not coming out for a while. Is that really a problem, though? No, no it is not. Why? Well, I’m glad you asked.
Webisodes.
Speak Jon Wilson is making a ton of “behind the scenes, before the movie” webisodes for your YouTube enjoyment. No need to leave the house or put down your cheese puffs, because you can watch them from the comfort of your chair, bed, table, floor, trashcan or bathtub. I don’t recommend holding a laptop while you’re in the tub, since there’s a slight chance you could, you know, die, but this is America and you have freedom of self-electrocution, so I won’t stop you. Regardless of where you’re watching these webisodes, just make sure you watch them. You can even send suggestions for what kind of stuff you want to see in them to TriumviratePicturesTX@gmail.com.
Don’t worry, these webisodes won’t be your typical behind-the-scenes bullshit, like, a voiceover from the director with a bunch of B-roll of scripts and set lights and production assistants passing out from exhaustion. I mean, there might be a couple of those types of videos, but a lot of what you’re going to see is gonna be badass. I’d go into more detail, but I don’t want to give anything away.
The webisodes aren’t going to start coming out until next week, but rest assured I’ll link to them when the time comes. For now, go to facebook.com/speakjonwilson and “like” the page. If you don’t, you know I’ll find you anyway, so just do it before things get all messy and borderline illegal. Gracias!
Today, as you fire up the grill and pop open that thirteenth beer, you may feel like reflecting on American history and saying a little prayer of thanks to the founding fathers. Don’t. The Fourth of July isn’t the holiday you think it is. I’m here to tell you the top secret history behind the Fourth that the government doesn’t want you to know.
As you may know, Benjamin Franklin was a man with syphilis who lived in America and sometimes ate dog treats. His face is on the $100 bill and he was well known for attempting to steal kites from children. But here’s something you didn’t know about Benjamin Franklin: he’s out to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Thrift stores aren’t known for having the trendiest, cleanest, or most hair-free clothes, but occasionally you can find some cool stuff in them. You can also find really ugly stuff, as evidenced by the following photos:
This negligee appears to be from Bill Cosby’s new lingerie collection, Space Pudding. It debuted at Fashion Week in the “No More Faking Headaches” tent.
Okay, actually, nobody sang about Twilight, which is good, considering how my Twilight-induced PTSD flares up whenever I hear someone say “Robert Pattinson”. So luckily for me, and everyone else in the venue, the Twilight Singers just sang about… other stuff. Honestly, I don’t know what they sang about, because I didn’t pay attention to their set for a few reasons:
Guess what, folks? Something amazing happened to me, aside from the free ounce of froyo I got at Yogurt Story the other day because I found a spider in it. (I put the spider there. SUCKAAAS!)
I got a Mac laptop!
As everyone knows, Mac is actually an acronym that stands for Magical And Cakewalk, which doesn’t make much sense, but the bottom line is that this computer is the shit (or should I say, the shit my cake says? Har-dee-har-har).
But how I came to acquire this beautiful piece of hardware is a tale of tragedy and terror.
Yesterday (or today, depending on how you look at it, since I’m writing this at 2:34 am Texas time) was Oprah’s last show. Her last hurrah. Last shebang. Last housewife lovefest. Last time to gaze at herself longingly in her dressing room mirror, which is the size of my house.
Actually, no, she’ll probably still be doing that last one.
I say good riddance, but many people are in mourning. I’d like to remind you of my past Friday the 13th post, in which I predicted the outcome of the world after this catastrophic event (hint: the outcome is destruction).
Go buy beans, batteries, baby dolls, or whatever else you’ll need to survive underground while housewives everywhere rampantly destroy the world. The Y2K stuff you never put to use will do.
The Bruise (from left to right): Day 1, Day 3, Day 7
A couple weeks ago, I got a bruise so nasty it made Oprah’s face look like something that’s not disgusting. It happened when I was at work. I was outside telling my boss something (she was in her truck on a smoke break), and for whatever reason, when we were done chatting, I decided to run across the parking lot to get back into the building. I should probably mention that I was running on 4 hours of sleep for the past 48 hours. Sleep deprivation, clumsiness, my arm’s suicidal tendencies–whatever the reason, I rammed my arm into a brick column outside my workplace. And it hurt.
Because I was the sexiest man alive, I managed to knock myself out twice in one day, and because I did this, I couldn’t drive. I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up while I watched everyone else in my class leave in their cars. Just call me Captain Lady-Killer. No… the ‘captain’ made me seem like a murderer instead of a sarcastic, self-deprecating dork.
I made this video for a school performance event (it was silent film-themed, sort of) to tell the audience to get the hell outta the room and go do something else for ten minutes, because it was time for intermission.
This season of Parks and Recreation has brought us many adorable, sexy, and romantic character relationships. Andy and April, Ann and Chris, and lastly, the most obvious one…
Just in case you’re in the 10% of the world’s population that has yet to see the travesty that is “Friday” by Rebecca Black, allow me to educate you.
If you thought that song “Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend” was bad, just wait until you see this—er, the thing you already watched at the top of the page. “Friday” is a song that gives old folks in their 20s like me insight into what the kids are up to these days, and apparently, 13-year-olds are up to no damn good, especially on Fridays, which, according to Rebecca, come after Thursdays (even though we all know that Thursday is actually in between Monday and Brednesday).
Shelby’s pre-cal class was about five feet from where we were standing, so the walk to her class was not a long one.
“Thanks for walking me all the way to my faraway class,” she said.
Loser, I thought to myself. What were you thinking? “Hey, Shelby, want me to walk you to your class that’s only a Verne Troyer and a half away from where we’re standing right now?”
“Look, what I was going to ask you earlier is if—”
“’Sup, Shelby,” Todd’s voice boomed, interrupting her. He put his meaty arm around her waist, and she immediately slinked away. He looked at me. “’Sup, Queer.”
This year, I cannot celebrate Valentine’s Day and must instead celebrate Singles Awareness Day. You see, I recently got dumped. It was for the best, though, because my ex was practically verbally abusive. He’d say unnecessarily hurtful things, like, “I don’t think you should carry that gun on school property” and “I find it somewhat strange that you’ll only sleep on mattresses stuffed with human hair” and “I think your collection of disembodied doll heads is a little creepy”. I mean, dragging my doll heads into his personal problems? What a freak.
Anyway, because I’m single now, I’ve made a list of fun things single people can do on Singles Awareness Day (SAD):
Yahoo! Answers is a breeding ground for teenagers, the desperate, trolls, and troll dolls, so naturally, I hang out there sometimes. I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest questions I’ve come across in that weird, weird place in cyberspace.
After fourth period, I met up with Andy and we walked to lunch.
“Andy!” Christie screeched from down the hall. Andy cringed.
See, Christie was this annoying cheerleader who’d had a crush on Andy since, like, fourth grade. She was part of the Rice Kristies, a horrible pun and a group of three girls named “Kristie”—Christie, Kristie, and Criystee, the last of whom had parents who apparently never learned how to spell. All three members of the Rice Kristies (God, it pains me to even say those words) were cheerleaders, but Christie was the only brunette and, frankly, the only unattractive one. Kristie was dumb but hot, and Criystee defied her parents’ legacy by grasping the concept of phonetics. She was also cute and ranked number two in our class. Then there was Christie, who was both marginally ugly and painfully stupid, and boy did she love Andy.
Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s
The Bruise (from left to right): Day 1, Day 3, Day 7
