Aldi Cereal Mascots Are Coming for You in the Night

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I don’t want to get freaky with your fruits, disco granny cat!

Have you ever been inside an Aldi? One of the first things you’ll see is their cereal selection. It bombards you right at the door with its Sloth-inspired cereal mascots.

All of Aldi’s cereal boxes are teeming with eerie, bug-eyed Pixar rejects. Their eyes follow you around the store. You can try and hide in the produce section but it won’t do you any good. They have already seen you.

Why does Aldi use these pee-your-pants creepy mascots? I have a theory…

It’s like this. A production company making the next family-friendly animated blockbuster decided to cut corners by opting for a cheap animation company. They commissioned many animal-type characters, some of which do not exist in the realms of human, animal or microbe life.

Kookies

Case in point: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING.

They wanted to make a statement that mixed race families are okay in a weak attempt to be edgy, so they decided to blend a cat with a squirrel,

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lizards with fish,

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Bob Belcher with Crippled Captain Crunch,

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and a loaf of bread with the ability to breathe.

CinnamonCrunch

What they didn’t realize was no one from any race-related charity would back the characters, I wonder why. The characters were brought before focus groups consisting of small children. When presented with their images, the children screamed and cried and tried to eat each other. The producers of the film knew inciting cannibalism among children would cause problems for their bottom line, so they fired the animation company and started anew.

The animation company was left with its Frankencharacters and all rights to them. “What will we do with our beloved characters?” it asked. “We wasted so many resources on them—how will we ever remake our money?” Then Aldi swooped in out of nowhere and offered to buy the characters at below-Walmart prices. The animation company was desperate—both for money and to be rid of them.

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Any affection for the characters flew out the window when it was reported they were following late-working staff members to their cars in the dead of night.

Also that they had come to life. That part was apparently quite a no-no.

They sold all of the characters to Aldi, and Aldi emblazoned all their cereal boxes with them in an attempt to redirect the cannibalism into profit, you know, like, “Hey kids, don’t eat each other, eat these colorful cardboard chunks instead!” And it worked.

Aldi didn’t stop there. It knew it had to throw a crazed, murderous clown into the mix for good measure, since the kiddies love ‘em and all.

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Beyond the clown, digging into a deeper level of your psyche, is this:

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The love child of a starfish and brainless burn victim???

But for me personally, the creepiest of all the mascots are these jellyfish.

Jellyfish Aldi Cereal

What do jellyfish have to do with puffed rice? “Hey kids, eat this and I’ll sting you and you’ll have to make your mom pee on you to ease the pain! Hooray!”

The jellyfish were the first thing I noticed when I walked into Aldi for the first and last time. And they will continue to haunt me.

Which mascot haunts you the most? You have a variety of freaky shit to choose from.

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?????

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Tony the Tiger, when did you get so… purple?

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A train. A train? Really?! I just… I can’t even… I… fuck you, Aldi.

Several of the images used in this post were stolen from The Mind of a Big Cat and Tip Top Shape, both of which are very funny and worth a read. I particularly like this short and sweet “In Memoriam”.

About these ads

7 responses

  1. Breakfast wasn’t this fun when I was a little kid. Aldi should get in touch with Frank N Berry’s agent, he needs to find work again…

    August 29, 2013 at 8:12 am

    • I wholeheartedly agree, evilsquirrel13.

      August 29, 2013 at 3:31 pm

  2. Lol!! I always loved reading your blog!! I just had to disappear from the blog world for a while, but I’m glad to be back!! Question, what is an Aldi?? Like a Piggly Wiggly??

    September 9, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    • Haha thanks!! The blog world is glad to have you back. Aldi is a discount grocery store. I’m not terribly familiar with Piggly Wiggly so I can’t say how similar they are, but Aldi takes the things other grocery stores won’t, or they take their surpluses and sell groceries at very low prices. So every packaged item they sell is a weird off-brand. Still, you can’t beat a bunch of bananas for $0.32!

      September 11, 2013 at 9:47 pm

      • Hmm sounds like a place I wish we had here.

        September 12, 2013 at 7:33 pm

  3. Nicole

    Those characters really are awful. The starfish looks like the Sponbgebob Character Patrick after he’s been hit on the head with a frying pan.

    September 10, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    • Lol Nicole, you are correct! I’ll even take it a step further and say the starfish is the weird love child of Spongebob and Patrick, hit on the head with a frying pan.

      September 11, 2013 at 9:49 pm

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