WTF Search Terms, 3rd Edition

The time has come to once again list my favorite search terms people have used to find my blog (read the first and second editions for context, if you’d like). Here they are, in all their screwed-up glory:

Rebecca Black Friday Flakes: I’m assuming this person was hoping to find Rebecca Black-inspired cereal and not dandruff. If cereal’s the case (please let it be the case), they’re in luck because I just invented some.

For the mom who wants her children to fail at life. Part of a mentally unbalanced breakfast.

On this note, if you’d like to test your endurance for Friday Flakes, click here and see if you can make it to the 10 minute mark like a winner (yes, that is a challenge). I only made it 10 seconds.

Chicken Penis: Before you get all judgmental, ask yourself, do you know what a chicken penis looks like? I don’t. Most people don’t, because the rooster penis is internal, which I definitely did not learn by Googling “chicken penis” a moment ago.

Some Sort of Chicken with a Penis: This one you can be judgemental about.

Picture of a Chicken Face Nugget: What I would like to know is 1) Why is my blog the 4th image search result for this, 2) why aren’t there freaky pictures for this search term, other than the one shown below, and 3) what the what?

He Looks Like a Nugget: Yes, yes he does. Who are we talking about?

Don’t Eat Them Raw Asian Kid Puppies: Sound advice.

Fat Asian Man in Bra: Now here’s a search term that’s actually relevant because as a matter of fact, I happen to have one of those in this post.

Girl Japanese Dentures: The Japanese have all kinds of disturbing fetishes but I was unaware dentures were one of them. It makes sense, though, considering how sexy Americans find dentures. You can’t tell me you don’t get tingly when some old guy’s gum glue loosens and his teeth fall out of his mouth. Ooh la la. I did know about the yaeba trend, which can make Japanese women look more childlike (according to the article I linked to, anyway). If that’s true then it just confirms what we already know: Japanese businessmen like their women to look young—prepubescent young. Ewww.

Some Dude Named Gums: Look, Gums is just trying to live a normal life, okay?! He can’t help that his mom had a denture fetish when she named him. Leave Gums alone!

How to Wear Overall Shorts: You don’t. I repeat, you DO NOT wear overall shorts EVER under ANY circumstances. I mean it. I will find you.

A Shoo in Your Hair: I… what?

Men Sexy Armpit Hair: I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen this one, and variations on it, including “Man Armpit Hair Sexy,” “Sexy Armpit Hair Man” (which just makes me picture a man made out of armpit hair, which is strange-looking and also GROSS), “Armpit Sexy Chris Gorham” and “Christopher Gorham Armpit.” What is with you people and your obsession with Christopher Gorham and his armpit hair?! How is it sexy? HOW?

Armpit of Man Pictures: The armpit of man is probably Spencer Pratt.

Redneck Sluts Girls: I know I shouldn’t be surprised that someone in the world thinks slutty rednecks are sexy, but come on, how are rednecks sexy?

Never mind. I totally get it now.

Homemade Boobs: I don’t know why you need homemade boobs, and I don’t want to know what shows up when you Google this search term (aside from this blog, obviously), but interestingly enough, when I searched “redneck sluts,” this picture came up:

I’m not sure how Asian women wearing boob scarves qualifies as slutty or redneckish, but Asians have just as much of a right to be rednecks as ugly white people do, so I won’t stop them. Now that I think about it, wearing a scarf that looks like a pair of boobs is redneckish. Keep on truckin’, Asianecks.

Homemade Ken Doll Wig: I want to know why you need this even less than I want to know why you need homemade boobs.

And lastly but not leastly (leastly?):

Swelling of Lifeless Mannequins Porn Corn Videos: Self-explanatory. Only not. At all.

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