Druggy Things I Did While Sick and Not on Drugs
…Unless you count DayQuil.
1. I sang to my boyfriend’s cat, Shadow. I sang him a ballad entitled “Shadow” to the tune of Frère Jacques. The lyrics consisted of “Shadow, Shadow, Shadoooooooow”.
2. I performed a questionably seductive* dance with a small bottle of apple juice in the middle of Kroger.
3. I somehow managed to eat a pint and a half of ice cream.
4. I made my boyfriend watch Dating In the Dark with me. I did not manage to convert him to a full-time viewer.
5. I willingly wore the Avril Lavigne concert t-shirt I got in seventh grade. In my defense, she was cool at the time… No she wasn’t.
6. I farted. A lot.
7. I decided that in order to hide my state of bralessness from the construction workers in my house, instead of putting on a bra, I should wear a pink, heart-patterned blanket around.
8. I slept for about 14 hours, then was awake for roughly 8, then slept for 12 hours.
9. Being sick, I didn’t have much energy and thus wanted to do nothing but watch TV. There was nothing on, so– and I say this with shame– I watched Melissa & Joey, ABC’s new sitcom. I was drawn in by Joey Lawrence’s character, Joey. He seemed so real and heartfelt. As I watched more, I learned that Melissa & Joey isn’t a sitcom so much as a serious drama. He and Melissa Joan Hart got into a serious argument about putting a TV in the living room. I was on the verge of tears. All the fighting, the cruel back-and-forth, the involvement of the children… I was so relieved when Melissa and Joey finally got along and brought themselves back from the brink of homicidal tendencies.
But, it was only the calm before the storm. Melissa had a date with a man. A man who turned out to be gay. Imagine her devastation. Joey’s insensitivity was so boorish and insensitive. Poor Melissa, she was heartbroken and suicidal.
It was the most riveting 30 minutes of my life.
10. I concocted a get rich quick scheme involving a can of chicken wonton soup and cough syrup. I don’t remember what it was, though.
*I thought it was seductive at the time. Looking back… I don’t want to look back.